The Other Side of the Moon Edward s New Moon
by Ana Fluttersby
Summary: ON HIATUS. All of our hearts broke when Edward left, we understood Bella s agony for we felt it along with her. But what was Edward doing? How did he cope? well, for me he was ... read and find out. Review?
1. Preface The Party part one

**The Other Side of the Moon**

**Edward´s New Moon**

**Preface**

The world had ended, and I couldn´t understand my apparently normal surroundings, nothing made sense, all continued in the same rhythm, I could hear clearly the voices coming from beneath me, no one missed a beat, nothing stood still, the dust continued to swirl around, the all too human smell of food continued to pollute the air, the traffic roared the same. Yet absolutely everything had to have stopped, this emptying agony was paralyzing. Then it hit me, it was just my world that had ended. My body didn´t respond to the simplest orders I gave it, this was certainly death, this numbing unprecedented pain could only mean death, I panicked as I realized it brought no release from the absolute desolation I was in. Oh Carlisle! You were wrong. I was in hell.

**1. Party (Part One)**

Never had I dared thought happiness could be so sweet, but for six month I had lived in almost constant, perfect bliss. Bella.

Being with Bella, was the only thing I desired, to bask in the warmth of her skin, of her voice – I wasn´t over the thrill of her saying my name- , of her delectable lips, of her very aware eyes, and the way they gaze at me, almost as if she were just as elated to be with me as I was to be with her. Ridiculous, my fantasizing of her loving me with the same intensity that I loved her, was indeed, absurd. She was only human after all – the most extraordinary, delightful, exquisite human there ever was or will ever there be- and my broad knowledge of their nature had taught me that humans are moderate regarding the depths and duration of their feelings, comparing to vampire´s standard has to be say. In all fairness, I had discovered the same obsessive passions that rule us when face to mothers´ love for their children.

I couldn´t believe my undeserved luck, for as though her emotions would never – God willing- be as strong as a vampire´s, she wanted me, she loved me. That was all – more actually- I could ask of this life. Existence, is a better word for what I was doing on this earth. Only I had a very rewarding purpose now, to protect Bella and to make her happy.

Rewarding didn´t equal easy, not by far. What with her total disregard for her own safety, and her endearing though often perilous clumsiness. She was especially adventurous when it came to our time together; that amounted almost to the whole day and night, it was never enough for me, but I knew she had to tend to her human needs and of course, she had to spend some time with Charlie.

Since really early on our relationship, she had, furiously blushing – Mmmm- , asked me if we were ever going to be physically intimate, and I had been terrified to find that those words had brought havoc for me, farther awakening the dormant desires inside me, terrified because I didn´t need another uncontrollable instinct inspired by Bella.

She was constantly desirous of contact; her graceful arms were ever circling my waist, her soft cheek forever laid on my chest, her luscious lips always searching for mine, urgently drinking my scent. I completely related to her need, as I desperately needed her too. My mind was eternally eluding my restrain and wondering through those breathtaking avenues. I ached to grant her everything she asked of me, to really kiss her and touch her and to be with her in every conceivable way. I hated myself that I couldn´t for I knew this was frustrating for her as well, maybe even more because, regardless the fact that I had explained that my only reason for this was her safety, I could never tell her how much I really wanted her too, without putting false hope in her heart, and she felt somehow undesired – Aaah! If she only knew-. But the thought of my inhuman hands losing control, crushing her while caught in the grip of passion, stopped me effectively, but not long enough.

Every time I kissed her, her lips responded cautiously –most of the time- but her body betrayed her, and I felt her hands jumped to fiercely grab my hair, her warm body crushing on me, her heartbeat racing madly, her breathing either hitching noisily or stopping altogether, and most mind altering, the perfume of her desire coming forward, combining with the nonsensically potent scent of her blood. I had to stop before my control was totally obliterated and with it my entire universe.

Yes, her blood had not for a second relent its appealed to me, to burn me with its inescapable course through my throat. The venom that coated my sharp teeth, and my animal thirst, continued to be the most deprecating hazards in Bella´s life. No matter how much I tried to vanquish the monster in me, I barely tamed it. But Bella´s trust on my self control was unwavering. She was much too good to understand a monster´s nature.

***

Bella was very self-conscious about money; she had made that much apparent from the first real date I had planed - . I wanted to take her out for dinner to a very exclusive restaurant in Seattle, but as soon as Alice tried to lure her into her room for one of her makeovers, Bella was onto us, and when Alice confessed what I was planning for the evening – thinking that would make Bella more pliant. - A very bothered Bella asked me not to do stuff like that. That it was utterly unnecessary for me to spend money on activities, that by nature were barred to me. How could Alice not _see_ that coming?

Car? College tuition? Same story. Those were not romantic attempts to please her and have a good time with her. They were of a more serious character. The car was to ensure her safety- hers was a decrepit thing that threw rust with every step- and College, not only would she love that, it was also an important asset for her future, not that she´d ever need to work to support herself if she was to spend the rest of her life with me – I couldn´t help myself as I pictured her as Mrs. Bella Cullen. My silent heart swelled at the thought. But she had to have options. She could change her mind, I reminded myself, after all I´d never be able to fulfill all my husbandly duties. This depressed me to no end.

As Bella´s birthday approached, I contemplated the satisfying possibility of gifts, as she never allowed me to give her anything out of the blue; the celebration of the providential day she was born was more than an excuse for presents. I had let myself go and considered a piano, which was a little conspicuous for her tiny room, but I´d dreamt of playing for her until she fell asleep, a trip to somewhere sunny and secluded, I´d run that one by Esme, I was sure she wouldn´t mind, and if it was a family trip, Charlie couldn´t say no … Oh Alice was going to love that! she´d been dying to get Bella new outfits, this would provide her with the chance to indulge her inclination.

I was quite decided on that when Bella informed me that she didn´t want anyone to even wish her a happy birthday, let alone buy her presents. Oh well, I had to think of a way around that, I definitely had to get her something she loved. She felt depressed about turning eighteen. Preposterous. This saddened me because I knew the reason behind her reluctance. She was horrified of aging, of being _older_ than me.

It escaped my understanding that she didn´t seem to grasp that she was my life, my universe, infinitely more important than something as superfluous as money. It was maddening for me that she denied me the simple pleasure of "giving" to her, instead of "taking" from her – which was the constant case, my presence in her life meant she was going to miss a lot of experiences.

With this in mind I had settled for a home made present, something from the deepest portion of my heart, the closest thing I had to a soul. Alice helped me with the selection, so it went as a joint gift. Bella couldn´t object to that, it was virtually free.

So on September thirteen, Alice and I were waiting for her in the parking lot of Forks High, we heard her truck from a mile away.

"_You should give her the car, Edward." _Alice thought grinning.

"Do you _know_ Bella, Alice?" I asked sarcastically.

"I´m sure you could find a way to make her take it. _The way she looks at you, Edward, like she´d do anything you asked of her_" She smirked. I roll my eyes. "S_he loves you as much as you love her, you know"_ I felt my eyes prickled at this thought.

"That´s not possible Alice…"

"_Self belittling fool, of course she does!"_

As Bella entered the parking lot, I notice her face twisted in distress, it was clear that she was already dreading this day. I had to change that. She got out of the car and as she spotted me her face relaxed into a tender smile. She was so lovely. Then as she saw the silver wrapped box in Alice´s hand she frowned and banged the door of her truck raining rust all over the pavement. I laugh to myself as Alice went to greet her. I was busy relishing her presence; I had missed her the little time we had been apart.

"Happy birthday, Bella!"

"Shh!" she told her, anxiously looking around to make sure nobody had listened.

"Do you want to open your present now or later?" Alice inquired quickly, trying to perk Bella up the wrong way as they walked towards me.

"No presents," Bella muttered.

Momentarily defeated, Alice conceded "Okay… later, then. Did you like the scrapbook your mom sent you? And the camera from Charlie?" Bella exhaled noisily and a strong gust of her scent reached me. Pain. Venom filling my mouth… Ahhh… well, that only meant she was alive, so I welcomed the brief torment. I knew it would lessen with the passing of time in her company.

"Yeah. They're great." She granted.

"_I _think it's a nice idea. You're only a senior once. Might as well document the experience."

"How many times have _you _been a senior?"

"_11 times" _She thought_._ "That's different." She answered dismissively.

I took Bella´s hand, lightly pressed it and her face smoothed again as she looked into my eyes and her heart faltered. A smiled escaped to my lips at the sound. She was so warm and beautiful I couldn´t help the need to kiss her, but settled for touching the sweet skin around her lips.

"So, as discussed, I am not allowed to wish you a happy birthday, is that correct?"

"Yes. That is correct." She said trying to be firm.

"Just checking. You _might _have changed your mind. Most people seem to enjoy things like birthdays and gifts." As much as I loved the way she surprised me with her every action and word, I felt thwarted with this rather uncommon quirk of hers. I´d have loved to give her things, and she made it unnecessarily difficult.

"Of course you'll enjoy it. Everyone is supposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella. What's the worst that could happen?"

"Getting older," she answered in a shaky voice.

I tensed as she spoke because the only way _that_ could be halted was if I stole her soul from her which I´d never do.

"Eighteen isn't very old," Alice said appeasing. "Don't women usually wait till they're twenty-nine to get upset over birthdays?"

"It's older than Edward," Bella murmured.

I heaved I sighed. This was of course ridiculous since I was more than a hundred.

"Technically. Just by one little year, though." Alice said nonchalantly._ "You are being silly Edward; you know it's going to happen eventually. Why deny her what she wants?"_ She told me silently.

I knew how unfair this was to Bella, that she was going to get old, while I remained unchanged. But I would never cave before that particular request of hers. The thought of Bella becoming a vampire was exceedingly tantalizing, to have her safe, immortal, to never have to see her threatened by sickness, accident, an ultimately death, was as alluring as her blood. And if I was being honest, the prospect of physical intimacy with Bella was on its own cause enough to make me selfishly start to reconsider. Nevertheless this was Bella, my precious angel, and her soul was far more important than any peace or pleasure I longed for. I was not about to forfeit her soul and damn her to this dark existence of ours just so I´d never have to suffer.

"What time will you be at the house?" Alice swiftly introduced the topic she was most excited about, Bella´s birthday party.

"I didn't know I had plans to be there." She answered stiffly.

"Oh, be fair, Bella!" Alice whined. "You aren't going to ruin all our fun like that, are you?"

"I thought my birthday was about what _I _want." Bella reminded her.

"I'll get her from Charlie's right after school," I said pretending to disregard Bella´s words.

"I have to work," She objected.

"You don't, actually," Alice informed her, a little satisfied. "I already spoke to Mrs. Newton about it. She's trading your shifts. She said to tell you 'Happy Birthday.'"

"I—I still can't come over," Bella stammered, it was really amusing see her lost for words, charming. "I, well, I haven't watched _Romeo and Juliet _yet for English."

"You have _Romeo and Juliet _memorized." Alice snorted.

"But Mr. Berty said we needed to see it performed to fully appreciate it—that's how Shakespeare intended it to be presented."

This was getting nowhere. I rolled my eyes at her weak excuse. She was so stubborn.

"You've already seen the movie," Alice pointed.

"But not the nineteen-sixties version. Mr. Berty said it was the best."

_Talk about stupid excuses, this girl has to learn to have fun" _Alice thought impatiently. _"Edward if you don´t talk sense into her I´ll take her there by force!"_

"This can be easy, or this can be hard, Bella, but one way or the other—"

I couldn´t allow anyone, not even Alice talk to Bella like that, but as I knew she only meant well I interrupted her empathetically.

"Relax, Alice. If Bella wants to watch a movie, then she can. It's her birthday."

"So there," Bella said relieved.

"_Edward! I thought you wanted this too. Traitor!" _Alice fumed.

"I'll bring her over around seven," I clarify. "That will give you more time to set up."

Alice trill a laugh, mollified. "Sounds good. See you tonight, Bella! It'll be fun, you'll see." Grinning, she place one quick kiss on Bella´s cheek and left us alone.

"Edward, please—" Bella said a little whiny, but I didn´t want to be sidetracked on this, and it came hard for me to deny her anything so I pressed a finger to her pretty lips.

"Let's discuss it later. We're going to be late for class."

High School with Bella was no longer a comatose experience, it was fun. I had managed to rearrange my schedule to match Bella´s almost down to every class. She was very smart, despite the fact that she thought of herself as average, and I took pleasure in seeing her mind put to work through her schoolwork. Sometimes, it was more revealing than listening to her sleepy mumbles – not quite as gratifying though- because in her writings I could appreciate the depths of her considerations on many different subjects. She was amazing.

I was not the only one to notice her charms and there were still many envious boys around us. Bella was totally oblivious of course, for none of them was bold enough to pursuit her with me right by her. Mike Newton continued to be the most annoying of all. He had now changed his tactics to feigned acceptance of Bella´s choice- me- and a new ridiculous look that I knew was supposed to emulate mine. Totally absurd.

"_I´ll never understand what she sees in him. He´s such a freakshow! Urgh! … the way they look at each other is disgusting, that can´t be real, they won´t last … and he never leaves her side. Gosh! What does he think he is? Her bodyguard?" _Mike thought bitterly as we got to our first class, though he pretended not to notice us.

The day went by uneventfully. Alice and I were now somewhat accepted in Bella´s group of friends, so we sat with them. I endured Mike´s acidic thoughts, Erick and Tyler´s ridiculous fantasies of girls- that much too often included Bella- Jessica´s jealousy of "Bella´s luck" – Ha! The luck was mine. - Lauren´s toxic green envy of her, and thanked God for Ben´s and Angela´s kind minds. But mostly I enjoy Bella´s presence, sat by her side holding her and reminding her to eat each time she got so focused on our conversation that she seemed to forget.

At the end of the school day I went with Bella to her truck, Alice was driving my car back home. But Bella started her usual fight for the driver´s wheel.

"It's my birthday, don't I get to drive?" She asked stubbornly crossing her arms despite the rain.

"I'm pretending it's not your birthday, just as you wished." I teased her a little.

"If it's not my birthday, then I don't have to go to your house tonight…" She retorted in hope that I changed the plans for the evening.

"All right." I said calmly shutting the passenger door and went to driver's side to open it for her. "Happy birthday." She was not worming out of celebrating this joyous occasion.

"Shh," She hissed and got on the sit looking disappointed.

Emmet, Rosalie and Jasper had gotten her a stereo for her truck so I started joking about the reception of her current stereo, I knew she didn´t like that, and was very amused by the retort I got. But I disliked seeing her so distraught and when we parked I held her face taking pleasure in the proximity of her lips.

"You should be in a good mood, today of all days," I whispered to her and saw her eyes blurred a little as my scent reached her.

"And if I don't want to be in a good mood?" She asked a little breathless. I immediately felt an overwhelming need to kiss her.

"Too bad." I said I little roughly while reaching for her lips.

I kissed her softly, savoring the taste of her lips during a too short time until she threw her arms around my neck and started to kiss me in earnest. As gently as I could I loosened her grip on me and moved slightly away from her. This sudden reaction was not at all uncommon for Bella, but it didn´t fail to spin my world and cloud my mind. That frightened me. I could hurt her, and she didn´t help her case by being so astonishingly desirable.

"Be good, please," I begged her a little breathless. I pecked her lips once, placed her arms on her tummy and straighten myself.

I was trying to dispel the paradoxical effect her throbbing heart was causing on me when she spoke.

"Do you think I'll ever get better at this? That my heart might someday stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?"

"I really hope not," I said truthfully, because I was not going to pretend that it didn´t filled me with possessive joy that it was me who made her feel that way.

"Let's go watch the Capulets and Montagues hack each other up, all right?" she said rolling her eyes.

"Your wish, my command." I responded a little theatrically. It was nonetheless nothing if not fact.


	2. The Party part two

**1. Party (Part Two)**

I watched Bella as she set up for movie watching time, but when she sat on the couch I closed the unnerving distance between us by grabbing her tiny waist and dragging her towards me, then protected her from my unpleasantly cold skin with a throw that was at hand.

"You know, I've never had much patience with Romeo," I confessed as the movie began.

"What's wrong with Romeo?" She asked sounding aggravated.

"Well, first of all, he's in love with this Rosaline—don't you think it makes him seem a little fickle? And then, a few minutes after their wedding, he kills Juliet's cousin. That's not very brilliant. Mistake after mistake. Could he have destroyed his own happiness any more thoroughly?" I was going to make anything and everything to ensure Bella´s happiness, which led to mine.

"Do you want me to watch this alone?" she asked a bit unenthusiastic.

"No, I'll mostly be watching you, anyway. Will you cry?" I asked her, sketching the delicate veins of her arms with my finger, and the goosebumps that this raced almost made me shiver.

"Probably, if I'm paying attention." She stated

"I won't distract you then." I said, kissing her hair, drinking her fragrance with delight. I whispered Romeo´s lines to her, and she actually cried when Juliet woke up and found Romeo in the grave. I loved to see her moved by emotions, it was absolutely engaging.

"I'll admit, I do sort of envy him here," I said, wiping her tears with her beautiful chocolate hair.

"She's very pretty." She said appraising.

Pretty? What? Nothing could compare to my Bella, her conclusion was the most ridiculous one she could have drawn from my remark. "I don't envy him the _girl_—just the ease of the suicide," I mocked her a bit. "You humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny vial of plant extracts…"

"What?" She gasped.

"It's something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle's experience that it wouldn't be simple. I'm not even sure how many ways Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning… after he realized what he'd become…" I explained, and added jokingly "And he's clearly still in excellent health."

She rounded on me, studying my face. "What are you talking about?" She asked a bit confused. "What do you mean, this is something you had to think about once?"

"Last spring, when you were… nearly killed…" I had an excruciating time talking about that terrifying memory, but I force myself to calm with a sniff of her neck, her fragrance had a very soothing effect on me, despite the pain, it steadied me and reminded me the world was the best it could be. Once calmed, I proceeded "Of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human."

For a moment she was deep in her thought, and I imagined she was remembering too because she traced her scar with her finger. Then, she dispelled the memories with a shake of her head and her eyes focused.

"Contingency plans?" She inquired

"Well, I wasn't going to live without you." I said rolling my eyes as I stated this most obvious reality. "But I wasn't sure how to _do _it—I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help… so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi." I said while my thoughts wandered to Italy. What could I do so Aro wouldn´t be hesitant out of respect for Carlisle?

"What is a _Volturi_?" she asked.

"The Volturi are a family," I clarified, still wondering what I might have to have done to convince Aro. "A very old, very powerful family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose. Carlisle lived with them briefly in his early years, in Italy, before he settled in America—do you remember the story?"

"Of course I remember." She said a little strained.

"Anyway, you don't irritate the Volturi. Not unless you want to die—or whatever it is we do." I said to her evenly, after all death was not something that frightened me, least of all if the alternative was to continue to exist without Bella.

"You must never, never, never think of anything like that again!" she said taking my face in her hands. "No matter what might ever happen to me, you are _not allowed _to hurt yourself!" I could feel her body temperature had dropped slightly, her eyes were wide and teary, and her lips tremble. She was afraid.

"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point." I tried to reassure her.

"_Put _me in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck is my fault?" she spat. She was fuming now. "How dare you even think like that?" her expression was contorted in outraged and pain, but I had to make her understand.

"What would you do, if the situation were reversed?" I asked.

"That's not the same thing." She replied obstinately.

Ha! Well, of course it was not! My disappearance from this world was nothing compared to her ceasing to exist. It was ludicrous to place them in the same category of events, I laugh to myself.

"What if something did happen to you? Would you want me to go _off _myself?" She asked growing very pale.

How could she think that? A world without her was completely unbearable. But then I understood that it might be painful for her too, the prospect of my demise. Except it was different, she was human, she´d forget in due course. Not that I´d ever do such a thing if Bella was around.

"I guess I see your point… a little," I conceded, though I could envision nothing but complete emptiness without her. "But what would I do without you?"

"Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence."

"You make that sound so easy." I sighed. What was it that I was doing before? It was totally anodyne.

"It should be. I'm not really that interesting."

Oh Bella! How could I phrase this to make her finally see that she was my _raison d'être_, that since I met her, even before I´d realized I loved her, all other things had no appeal for me if I couldn´t be with her. She was more than interesting; her heartbeat was my north, her blush the most exquisite, her hidden thoughts the most intriguing mystery, her scent the most provocative perfume, her lips the most inviting, her eyes the most trusting and aware, her kindheartedness the most sincere, she was exceptional. She was _everything_ to me, the best part of my life, and my love for her the very best part of me.

My reverie was interrupted by the approaching wheels of Charlie´s car. "Moot point," I said lamely, sitting us in a more suitable position for her father´s benefit.

"Charlie?" She deduced.

I smiled to her in answer. Soon she reached for my hand.

Charlie arrived with a box of pizza in his hand and a smile on his face for Bella. I waited for them to finish eating and asked him if I could take Bella out for the evening. She looked as if she hoped he´d asked her to stay, however there was a game he wanted to watch and we were free to go, but not before Bella snapped a picture of me with her brand new camera and Charlie sent his regards to my family, Alice specially. I was overjoyed with the prospect of celebrating Bella´s life with my family.

I drove us to my house, a bit impatient by her truck, which was dreadfully slow even when driven at maximum speed. She asked me to take it easy, and I couldn´t help making a new attempt to debilitate her determination to never let me buy her anything- least of all a car. It was to no use, of course.

"You know what you would love? A nice little Audi coupe. Very quiet, lots of power…"

"There's nothing wrong with my truck. And speaking of expensive nonessentials, if you know what's good for you, you didn't spend any money on birthday presents."

"Not a dime," I affirmed. It was true, and I felt it in my heart that she was going to love our gift all the more because of that.

"Good." She said pointedly.

That, immediately made me think of the presents my family _had_ spent money on and I wanted to save everyone involved an unnecessary awkward time, by trying to make her see how important this was for us.

"Can you do me a favor?" I asked.

"That depends on what it is." She answered defensively.

"Bella, the last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935. Cut us a little slack, and don't be too difficult tonight. They're all very excited." I pleaded.

"Fine, I'll behave." She granted.

"I probably should warn you…" I had to prepared her so she was not overwhelmed by Alice´s excesses, the presents of course, and the fact that, Rosalie and Emmet where back home. I knew the animosity my sister felt for Bella made her very edgy, but Rose had promised to behave.

"Please do." She said apprehensively.

"When I say they're all excited… I do mean _all _of them."

"Everyone? I thought Emmett and Rosalie were in Africa." She asked a bit alarmed.

"Emmett wanted to be here." It was perfectly true.

My brother really cared for Bella and wanted to be with her today. He found her charming and was somewhat protective of her. In the beginning he was merely pleased – even if he thought I was totally deranged- that I had found someone to love, but as he got to know Bella, he who was absolutely good and honest in nature, found that he truly liked her, not because he considered her amusing – which he did-, but because he understood her perfectly.

"But… Rosalie?" She asked doubtful.

"I know, Bella. Don't worry, she'll be on her best behavior." _She´d better._

Looking for a change of subject to help her relax, I returned to a less stressful one, or so I thought.

"So, if you won't let me get you the Audi, isn't there anything that you'd like for your birthday?"

"You know what I want." She said very quietly.

God! Bella could be really single minded. I knew she wanted to be changed and she was very well aware of the fact that I´d never do that to her. She simply didn´t understand what this curse felt like, the blistering pain from the thirst, the isolation that came with our need for secrecy, forfeiting your previous relationships, watching the people you care about die … the guilt if or when you killed someone …

"Not tonight, Bella. Please." I said, not wanting to argue about this for what felt like the millionth time. _Eighty-six times over the past six months to be exact._

"Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want." She challenged.

I growled enraged, because I knew Alice would, if I let her. "This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella," I promised her.

"That's not fair!"

I gritted my teeth in impotence.

No, this situation was not fair at all. And there was nothing I could do about it. Because the choice was simple, her soul in exchange for her youth and her life. How would I ever condone the loss of such a beautiful, magnificent soul?

We arrived at my house and had I been less tense I´d laugh. Japanese lanterns and pink roses assaulted our view, they were everywhere. Alice really knew her way around party planning, I had to thank her for this. It was a beautiful effect, worthy of Bella. The light of the lanterns enhanced the soft cream color of her skin and reflected in her adorable eyes – which were now wide with anxiety. She let a moan escape her mouth. And I breathed in her floral aroma, now stronger with the delicate perfume of the roses. It relieved my unease almost completely.

"Try to be a good sport." I pleaded

"Sure," she said.

"I have a question." She said as I opened her door. I could only hope it wasn´t related to our still fresh discussion.

"If I develop this film, will you show up in the picture?" she asked playing with her camera.

At this, I had to laugh. She was amazing! She never failed to surprise me. I knew she was only half joking, but it was the non joking part that did it for me. She was so candid and still so innocent, despite the fact that she spent most of her time surrounded by vampires. Amazing!

We got in the house, and my family received her with a very loud and heartfelt "Happy birthday, Bella!" Inside, the profusion of pink roses and pink candles was overwhelming, there was the cake I knew Alice had chosen – under which criteria I wasn´t interested to find out- crystal plates, this was hilarious, we only needed one, and three small silver boxes topped with pink fluffy bows, Bella´s presents from us. I realized Bella would be stressed so I tried to comfort her encircling her waist with my arms and kissing her head.

Esme kissed her forehead affectionately and Carlisle hugged her lightly "Sorry about this, Bella. We couldn't rein Alice in." He said, pointlessly whispering near her ear. _Oh! She did a wonderful job! I´m sure Bella loves it. _Esme thought_._

Emmet started teasing her about her unrelenting blushes; which caused her to blush deeper, and left to install the stereo in her truck, teasing her some more on the way out. _Yeesh! Feel that blush… God Edward, you´re strong kid! You should see your doting eyes… hahaha! _Emmet laughed at me. Rosalie didn´t say anything. _I get that Edward´s crazy… but Emmet? Why does he like her? She´s a human for God´s sake! Very plain too … well not that Em is ever going to see her the way he sees me, of course not, but still… I don´t see the charm, she´s always awkward and her only interest is Edward. He is so disgustingly happy though… ok, I´ll try not to dislike her for his sake…_

Jasper smiled politely at her from a distance, he knew better than to approach her. I had warned him, if it was even a little hard, he should stay as far as possible from Bella. Alice was always a little upset about this; she had complete confidence in him. I knew better, I knew his mind. _They are happy, she´s a bit uncomfortable though … she´s so shy! They really love each other, that´s very intense. Edward´s blissful, there´s a pleasant change of atmosphere! How does he do it? It´s baffling, the way I know her scent appeals to him… _I threw him a warning glance. _Sorry Edward! Didn´t mean to!_ Alice came hopping toward us, grinning hugely. _You´re soooo sweet, you two! She is going to love this Edward, don´t worry…Why wouldn´t she, she´s with you after all. _

"Time to open presents," She said out loud, taking Bella to the gifts table.

"Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything—" she started to object with pleading voice and face.

"But I didn't listen, Open it." Alice said replacing the camera with the present from Emmet, Rose and Jasper. She opened it and looked up from the empty box a little confused.

"Um… thanks." She answered uncertain.

Even Rosalie smiled at the utterly perplex look on Bella´s face. "It's a stereo for your truck; Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it." Jasper clarified, glancing briefly at Alice.

"Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie," She said beaming. "Thanks, Emmett!" she said a little louder, and everyone heard his thunderous laughter.

"Open mine and Edward's next," squealed Alice sounding as excited as I felt. And everyone glided unconsciously nearer.

"You promised." Bella said giving me an outraged look.

"Just in time!" Emmet announced coming closer as well.

"I didn't spend a dime," I reminded her, reaching to sweep from her face a very distracting lock of hair.

_Urgh! What´s with the unwillingness to receive presents? I´ll never get her!. _Thought Rosalie exasperated. I ignored her.

Bella took a steadying lungful of air. "Give it to me," she breathed opening her hand in front of Alice.

_She´s so funny, why would getting gifts bother her? Weird little sister. _I heard Emmet chuckled.

She received the gift rolling her eyes at me, while starting to unwrap it. It all happened so fast, yet everything was perfectly clear. I felt the scent of her blood even before she softly uttered "Shoot" at the tiny little prick the paper cut left. I stopped breathing altogether, but the fire in my throat was almost unendurable, my entire body tensed willing me to hunt. Simultaneously I heard _"Oh no!" "She didn´t!" "Careful Edward!" "Shit!" "uhnj!" _and Jasper´s mind go blank, he was feeling my acute need as if it were his own and this intensified his thirst exponentially. At that, I realized that Jasper was beyond reasoning, he was going to kill Bella, without even deciding to do it.

"No!" I bellowed, but Jasper was already flying towards Bella, and I flung myself at her desperately trying to protect her, to reach her fast and be careful at the same time. In my total frenzy for her safety I miscalculated and saw with horror that we were going to smash into the glass-loaded table. But Jasper crashed on me before I could react, and we landed with an earsplitting crash. Jasper was still trying to get to Bella, growling, snarling furiously without even realizing what or who was stopping him. He was in full hunting mode; all he wanted was his prey. Emmet came to my aid, holding his breath as was everybody now except for Carlisle – who didn´t need to- and Jasper –who was beyond trying-. Emmet grabbed him and started to pull him off of us.

Once he succeeded, we surrounded Bella. She was now bleeding profusely from an eight inches cut that went up from her wrist. The red blood pulsed from the inviting gap, calling to me, driving me mad with thirst. It didn´t matter that I was not breathing, I remembered the overpowering scent of her fresh flowing blood, its uniquely delicious taste, and seeing that blood exposed to me, was more than I could stand. Suddenly Bella looked up from her arm, and I saw the fear in her eyes as she assessed our hungry faces, and Jasper still snarling viciously, and my resolved was strengthen immediately. _It´s Bella. My Bella. My love. My life. It´s Bella. It´s Bella._ I repeated to myself.

* * *

Please bear with me a little; these first chapters are going to be similar to those in New Moon, after all I´m using practically all of the dialogs. And I´m not changing the story!!!. I promise once Edward´s out of Bella´s life, things will change.

Please review! Even if you didn´t like it :( ;)


	3. STITCHES

**Stitches**

Calm as usual, Carlisle took charge of the situation. "Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside." He requested.

"Come on, Jasper." Emmet said, sober for once. Jasper continued to thrash about against his monumental strength, his mind still incoherent with thirst. "_Don´t worry Edward, I´ll get him out where he can breathe and clear his head_" He told me wordlessly as he saw me crouch defensively in front of Bella and growl warningly, not daring to open my mouth, to avoid unleashing the monster._ "Bro, this sucks!"_

Thirst._ It´s Bella, my Bella, my love, my life. _I kept chanting to myself.

"_I knew something like this would happen, what with her being such a klutz, and Jasper struggling so hard .... It´s not that difficult, honestly. I handled it well… I´m strong, I´ve never slipped, not even when those bastards … grrr…breath ... er no.. don´t breath. I´m good at this, all that blood, and I don´t even love her like they all do… urgh! But still I didn´t need to try so hard… not that it was easy either …" _Rosalie´s annoyingly loud self centered thoughts assaulted me, as she helped Emmet dragged Jasper outside.

"_Poor Edward, this is awful! I can´t imagine how he´s coping, to see Bella in danger from his brother … Oh poor Jasper! …and he´s obviously making a great effort to fight his need … Oh God there´s so much blood…. I can´t stay longer, I´m sorry Edward ... it´s too much… too hard … _I'm so sorry, Bella," Esme concluded aloud, imploring Bella with her eyes to understand, immediately covering her mouth as the scent of Bella´s blood reached her tongue. She was mortified.

Meanwhile, Alice tortured herself for not seeing anything in advance. I knew it wasn´t her fault, but I was too stressed out to give her any reassurances.

Once Jasper was out of the house, Carlisle lapsed to a pragmatic doctor and focus on the immediate crisis, Bella´s bleeding wound.

"Let me by, Edward," he muttered. _"I have to take care of her now Edward, you know she´ll be safe with me. _He added as I hesitated.

I assented and moved to Bella´s unharmed side trying to compose my face into a calm appearance that ended up looking expressionless. Better that than letting Bella see my pain, my anger and worst, my thirst.

She was shocked, but I saw her fight to get her serenity back as she observed Carlisle examine her arm avoiding looking at the cut herself. Ah yes… blood made her faint … a kiss from a vampire? Yes please! But her own blood she was scared of. Ironic. Just like me, fooling myself into believing I could be her protector, when obviously I only brought her pain and danger with my selfish decisions.

"_She´s bleeding so much … that can´t be healthy … Towel! …yes, pressure on the wound"_ Alice thought flitting to the bathroom, worried about Bella

"Here, Carlisle" said Alice, offering him the towel, but he declined.

"Too much glass in the wound." He said as he reaped a piece of tablecloth to make a tourniquet to slow the bleeding.

"Bella, do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?" Carlisle asked kindly.

"Here, please," Trusting Bella, so trusting that she felt safe to remain here. Self-conscious Bella, that she´d rather face death than publicity, or the need to give Charlie explanations.

"I´ll get your bag" said Alice, eager to help anyway she could.

"Let's take her to the kitchen table," Carlisle told me.

I took her in my arms, cradling her, immediately feeling relieved to hold her, even in these appalling circumstances. Her warmth and the closeness of her beating heart – now steady- were a balm to me, filling my silent chest with an overwhelming love for her. But the horror of seeing Jasper attacking her, my brother, deranged, beyond any reason or any bond that tied us, was an unrelenting image.

"How are you doing, Bella?" Carlisle asked her, still pressing his fingers to the wound to prevent further bleeding.

"I'm fine." She said calmed enough. I knew she was going to try to be brave for my sake. It only made me hate myself more intensely. For her to worry about not making us feel uncomfortable, when she was the one that had been aggravated, loaded me with despair. It made our differences more noticeable. She was a compassionate, loving human girl and I was a selfish monster.

Alice awaited us, table set with Carlisle´s bag and a lamp from Esme´s drawing table. I carefully sat Bella on a chair and Carlisle proceeded to fill a syringe with anesthetic. As grateful as I was that she was not going to be in pain during the cleaning of her lesion, I knew Bella was terrified of needles and I stood beside her, wishing I could trade places with her and willing my thirst away.

"Just go, Edward," She was worrying about me, when it was her who should have been in need of support.

"I can handle it," I assured us both, but she saw right through me, as usual.

"You don't need to be a hero."

Hero? No, of course I was no hero. I was the villain, destroying her life, my life along with hers, and my family´s along with mine.

"Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air." But she grimaced as Carlisle injected her with the anesthetic, and I wouldn´t leave her when she was so clearly hurting. What was the blaze in my throat compared to her frail arm searing with pain? It was not her fault the scent of her blood burned me, yet it was entirely my responsibility her being hurt. All her pain, my fault.

"I'll stay," I said simply.

"Why are you so masochistic?" She asked me.

She was far off the mark, I was not masochistic, if anything hedonistic. I didn´t seem capable of relinquishing the pleasure of being with her. No matter what the circumstances, the cost, I had to be wit her. Selfish monster.

"_She´s right, you don´t need to suffer more than necessary" _Carlisle told me silently, and added audibly, backing Bella up. "Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now."

"Yes, go find Jasper." She said, holding to that as if it was a life-saving board in the open sea. Did she really want me to leave? I certainly didn´t want to make her uncomfortable. Maybe it was too much for her to see my thirst, surely my eyes gave me away. Or was it my obvious pain over the situation? I didn´t want her to hurt for me. Was it better for her if I left?

"You might as well do something useful," Alice added. "_It hurts her to see you suffer over her, Edward" _She said echoing my deliberations._ "And Jasper needs you, I need you … to forgive us …. Please!"_

I resented their united front a little, I wanted to stay, to be strong for Bella, but how could I deny my father and this two girls I loved so much, what they asked of me. I left.

***

I followed Jasper´s trail as swiftly as I could. I found him deep in the woods, he was with Emmet. They were not speaking; it looked like Emmet was keeping him from going anywhere, and probably that was exactly the case. Rosalie was absent. They had taken Jasper hunting and she was still at it having decided to go farther. As I got to them I saw that Carlisle and Alice had been right, Jasper was a mess. He recoiled from my approach mortified rather than afraid. I knew he could feel my agony and my blistering anger, however he couldn´t know it was directed to me.

I had always known exactly how hard it was for him to overcome his need. I had been selfish. I had not only endangered Bella – which was despicable enough- I had put my bother, my family, in a very complicated and unfair position. Because they loved me and wanted me to be happy they had been open-minded about my behavior, Esme and Alice to the point of egging me on. Almost all of them loved Bella as well - she was lovable, how could they not?- Except that instead of allowing themselves to love her as they got to know her, they had purposefully tried to love her immediately – and succeeded- because they knew she loved me back. So not only did they love her for herself – which was sufficient- but out of gratitude for her love for me. She had saved me and they knew it. She had saved me and I had, over and over again, put her in danger´s path. And now what happened to her didn´t affect just me, but my whole family.

"It´s ok, Jasper. We are ok … you are my brother, I don´t fault you for what happened, this is all on me." I said and I meant it.

"No, Edward. Please don´t do that! I don´t know what happened to me, I lost it… I was weak. Don´t pin this on you. You´ve been remarkably stronger than any of us ever thought you could be."

_Strong, because I didn´t kill her? I should have stay away, that would have taken strength … strength I don´t posses. _Sensing my rising wave of loath and feeling he might have offended me, he continued.

"It wasn´t lack of faith, Edward, please do not misunderstand, it was just …"

I could hear Alice hastily nearing us, frantic to see Jasper. _Is he Ok, Edward? How is he doing?"_

"Enough Jasper! I can´t bear this. I should have known better than bringing Bella into my world, this is my fault. I was selfish. What happen with you is only natural for our kind. I don´t blame you. A vampire´s house is no place for any human, least of all Bella, so frail, so brave, and so … appealing." I concluded grimacing.

"Edward, how can I make it right? I want to apologize to Bella, but I don´t trust myself right now. I´m sorry, I´m so sorry. I´ll leave, Alice and I will go…"

"What? No, Jazz!" Alice sobbed as she reached us.

I saw Jasper´s face twist in pain as he crumbled to his knees at Alice´s words. _"Don´t desert me Alice, please" _he desperately thought. To feel his pain on top of mine was excruciating. " You could stay, of course …" He told her, defeated.

"Oh Jazz! No, that´s not what I meant. I´ll be where you are, don´t be silly, I can´t stand it otherwise … what I mean is, let´s stay … you can rise above this, I know it." She said kneeling in front of him, caressing his face tenderly.

"She´s right bro, you have to stay … we need to stick together, we are a family." Said Emmet, whose mind had been wandering after Rosalie, almost worried by her prolonged absence.

"I have to go back" I said. "Please Jasper, Alice, don´t make any decision until I return." I didn´t wait for an answer and flew back to Bella.

I was starting to see clearly what I had to do and it terrified me. How was I to do what I must? Where would I gather the strength to do it from? God help me please! Undeserving of your compassion as I am, help me find the strength I need to do this. How could I face Bella now? I had failed her, I couldn´t be her protector as promised, I was the threat.

"_What was that that I just saw? What do you think you are planning to do Edward? Are you so stupid? Don you dare! Don´t do it!! You actually think that´s for her best interest? That will in all probability kill her!!!"_ I flinched at that. Alice was silently screaming as she run behind me. Of course Alice had seen my decision, weak as it was still, it was life altering.

"Stop it Alice! It´s for the best, I have to stop thinking about myself… this isn´t about what I want, but about what Bella needs. I whispered quietly to her.

"_Exactly! Please Edward trust me, this isn´t what Bella needs…"_ and she flashed me a vision of Bella crying on the floor of her room. She seemed so distraught, the pain of it buckled me in half gasping for unnecessary air. _"See?" _Alice mental voice was full of concern and sadness.

"Of course she´ll grieve, I know she loves me, but she´ll get over me, she´ll have a life…" I told her in an almost inaudible tone.

"I don´t think so Edward…" she said finally standing next to me, one hand on my back.

"Please Alice, stay out of this. Where is Japer? Go to him!"

Sensing my fickle resolution she complied.

I couldn´t continue to think that way since I had arrived home. I heard Carlisle telling Bella about my last day as human, I stayed in the dinning room, collecting myself; I concentrated on the images in Carlisle´s mind, rather than Alice´s, and the soothing sound of Bella´s heartbeats. At last I managed to pull a neutral face.

"After all those years of indecision, I simply acted on a whim." Carlisle was saying, very well aware of my proximity. "I wheeled his mother to the morgue first, and then I came back for him. No one noticed that he was still breathing. There weren't enough hands, enough eyes, to keep track of half of what the patients needed. The morgue was empty—of the living, at least. I stole him out the back door, and carried him across the rooftops back to my home."

"I wasn't sure what had to be done. I settled for recreating the wounds I'd received myself, so many centuries earlier in London. I felt bad about that later. It was more painful and lingering than necessary."

"I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward." I heard Carlisle finish the story and at a snail's pace I walked to the kitchen. "I suppose I should take you home now."

"I'll do that," I said as I entered. For the first time in months, I was dreading being alone with Bella, only this time I was not afraid of killing her, I was terrified of saying the words that would shatter my entire existence. Words I had to force myself to say, no matter what my pain might do to me, kill me perhaps, yet I had to do right by her, set her free, let her be human, have a future. If only I knew how!

Try as I might to appear nothing more that upset, Bella knew me too well, and when she saw me, she could feel something happening inside me and it made her more that uneasy. I tried to hold on to my neutral face.

"Carlisle can take me," Bella said and started to examine the state of her blood stained blouse.

"I'm fine." I said, knowing she was concerned about how hard that might be for me. It felt like I was walking under water, the forced neutrality came out sounding detached. Better that screaming in agony, I figured. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice _get _you something." I disappeared to Alice´s room, but I still heard her.

"He's very upset." She said, anxious.

"Yes," Carlisle agreed. "Tonight is exactly the kind of thing that he fears the most. You being put in danger, because of what we are." He detailed further.

"It's not his fault." She said almost defensively.

"It's not yours, either." Carlisle stated warmly.

I heard denial in her silence. Then they started toward the living room.

"Esme, let me do that." She said troubled that she was causing Esme an inconvenience. Had I not been quite so miserable, I´d had rolled my eyes at the absurdity of that, what with our speed and the fact that we didn´t get tired. Though it was blood, it had to be uncomfortable for Esme, maybe I should have done that … not that she´d ever allowed it.

"I'm already done. How do you feel?" She asked kindly.

"I'm fine, Carlisle sews faster than any other doctor I've had." She teased and they chuckled.

Alice and I returned to them, and she quickly went to Bella.

"C'mon, I'll _get _you something less macabre to wear." She told her.

The left and my mind followed Bella´s pounding heart. _Thum… thum… thum…_ How was I to live without it? After a couple of minutes Bella spoke.

"Alice," She whispered. Did she hope I couldn´t hear?

"Yes?" Alice answered using the same volume.

"How bad is it?"

"Keep your thoughts to yourself Alice, please!" I said from where I was, conscious that she could hear me.

"What are you talking about?" Esme asked worried.

"_You know I´ll respect your decision son, but try not to be hasty"_ Carlisle told just me, he knew me perfectly.

I only shook my head no, to both of them, waiting for Alice to speak.

"_You are an idiot Edward, what should I tell her? That I don´t know? She´s not stupid and she knows how this works._

"Do not interfere!" I growled.

"I'm not sure yet." She said edgily.

"How's Jasper?" Bella asked.

Alice sighed. "He's very unhappy with himself. It's all so much more of a challenge for him, and he hates feeling weak._ So much he wants us to leave"_

"It's not his fault. You'll tell him that I'm not mad at him, not at all, won't you?" This was past frustrating. I knew it wasn´t Jasper´s fault but, for Bella to intent to make him feel better because he had tried to kill her, was too much!

"Of course. _Thank you, Bella_"

I rushed to open the door for Bella as they headed downstairs; she advanced cautiously, with apprehensive eyes.

"Take your things!" Alice piped, picking the presents from where they were still laying and rapidly giving them to Bella. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them."

"Goodnight, Bella" Carlisle and Esme told her.

"_Edward you´re scaring me. Bella is ok, isn´t she? … it kills me to see you like this."_ She thought.

"_She is going to be alright, Edward. And she loves you son. Calm down."_ Carlisle thought in chorus with Esme.

We went to her truck and I opened and closed the passenger door for her, as I got in I saw her shove the big red ribbon Emmet had put on the stereo under her seat. I didn´t acknowledge the gesture, it made no difference.

Carlisle thought I was being hasty, but if I didn´t hurry I would lose my nerve. I had to leave. For months, I had been egoistically deluding myself into believing that the fact that she loved me was an ample reason for me to disrupt her human life, that all was wonderful even. I might have been what she wanted but I was hardly what she needed. It had to be proof enough that she was not fit to decide what was good for her, the fact that she was in love with me, a Vampire who had from the beginning of our relationship confessed he had to continuously fight the need to kill her to suck her dry!!!

"Say something," she implored me suddenly breaking the silence.

What could I say? I hadn´t had time to prepare myself to say goodbye. I was not about to diminish the incident and I certainly wasn´t ready for small talk.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked.

'Tell me you forgive me."

She had to be kidding! But it wouldn´t be Bella if she had."Forgive _you_? For what?"

"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened." She said as if bleeding was a misdeed!

"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut—that hardly deserves the death penalty."

"It's still my fault." This exasperated me to no end; she definitely had an I´m-to-be-blame-for-everybody´s-shortcomings disorder.

"Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own—without someone throwing you into them—even then, what's the worst? You'd _get _blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up—and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."

"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" she asked, irked.

"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I barked at her.

"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton, I'd rather die than be with anyone but you." She shouted passionately.

Alice´s words came back to me, _"That will in all probability kill her!!!"_ but I fought them.

"Don't be melodramatic, please."

"Well then, don't you be ridiculous." She retorted.

We were silent for the rest of the way. Bella, looking apprehensively at me, while I pondered how to go about the rest of the night.

"Will you stay tonight?" She asked tentatively when we arrived to her house.

"I should go home." I said not really wanting to ever part from her side, but I had much thinking to do, also I had to speak with Carlisle.

"For my birthday," She beseeched me.

"You can't have it both ways—either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other." I said trying to sound stern and failing almost completely.

"Okay. I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs." She got out of the car before I responded. She was not giving me the choice. I had to introduce her stubbornness in the equation; she was not going to make my leave-taking any easy.

"You don't have to take those." I said as I saw her gather her presents.

"I want them," She said displaying her rebellious side. Endearing.

"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you." I insisted, just to hear her contradict me for the sake of it.

"I'll live." She said, clumsily gripping the presents with her good arm. Stubborn, beautiful self-sufficient Bella. I rushed to her side to aid her.

"Let me carry them, at least. I'll be in your room." I said taking the presents from her.

"Thanks." She smiled, disarming me.

"Happy birthday," I breathed and pecked her lips but she reached up to prolong the kiss and I couldn´t help the smile that crept to my face. I loved her, kissing her was one of the best sensations I had ever experienced. I was feeling so much better now; her contact bewitched me, gave me peace, and made me oblivious to everything else. I hurried to her room and she got inside.

I sat on her bed with her gifts in front of me and waited as she told Charlie about her night, evidently never mentioning anything about a vampire attack. They commented only on the decoration and the presents, until he took a better look.

"What happened to your arm?"

"Fuck!" she hissed lowly. Foul language was extremely unlike Bella, it sounded odd and funny at the same time and passing through her lips almost took the crudeness away from the word. "I tripped. It's nothing." She told him.

"Bella," he sighed.

"Goodnight, Dad." She finally said, and rushed to her bathroom.

I listened intently to the familiar sounds of Bella getting ready for the night, wishing I could have them forever, knowing that was not going to happen. I shook those thoughts from my mind… for tonight I had to salvage the rest of our time together. I had to try, despite the emptiness that was threatening to hold me.

"Hi," I said as she entered her room.

She came to me and pushed the boxes a little to the side so she could sit on my knees. I relaxed at her touch.

"Hi… Can I open my presents now?" She said nestling into my chest.

"Where did the enthusiasm come from?" I questioned her.

"You made me curious." She said, picking my parents gift.

"Allow me," I requested and unwrapped the gift for her.

"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" she mumbled and proceeded to peruse the paper she found inside the box until she got the gist of it. It was two plane tickets for us to visit Renee.

"We're going to Jacksonville?" She asked excitedly.

"That's the idea."

"I can't believe it. Renee is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day."

"I think I can handle it." Huh … who´d have thought Bella knew how to receive presents? "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain."

"Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!" I laughed to myself; leave it to Bella to make this about me instead of about the gift itself or at least about seeing Renee.

"Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable of being reasonable."

She took mine and Alice´s present but I grabbed it from her hands and unwrapped it too before returning it to her.

"What is it?" She asked, puzzled looking at the disc.

I merely took it back and put it in her CD player, and waited for the music to begin, anxious for her reaction. I was my music, the most sincere expression of my thoughts and feelings. The first was my very favorite, Bella´s lullaby. Suddenly her eyes were brimming with tears. Was she in pain? Did she need anything? Painkillers! The anesthetic must be wearing off by now.

"Does your arm hurt?" I asked solicitously, while she wiped her eyes.

"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it." She relieved me of that particular angst.

"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here." I confessed.

"You're right." She said

"How does your arm feel?" I asked.

"Just fine." She said, but I saw her shift discreetly, to avoid making rash movements.

"I'll get you some Tylenol." I said.

"I don't need anything," I ignored her words, removed her from my lap an flew to the door as she whispered "Charlie"

"He won't catch me," I told her as I went, grabbed the pills, filled a glass of water and returned in a matter of seconds.

She didn´t object to taking the pills so I knew I had been right about the pain. Brave Bella.

"It's late," I said and quickly tucked her in. I laid beside her, hugged her lightly and she put her head on my shoulder sighing in total contentment, as if nothing horrible had happened.

"Thanks again," She whispered.

"You're welcome." I said.

What was the right thing to do? Alice´s brief vision started to creep more frequently into my mind. Feeling Bella in my arms, so blissful, made it harder to believe I had to leave her to ensure her a better future, after all who´d love her like I did. I knew it´d hurt her if I left and I never wanted to be the cause of her pain again, I only wanted happiness for her. But that brought me back to reality, as long I was around she was not going to be able to have fulfilling life or any life for that matter.

"What are you thinking about?'" She whispered.

Should I tell her? I decided it was fair that she knew part of the fight that was raging inside me. "I was thinking about right and wrong, actually."

"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to _not _ignore my birthday?" She asked in an obvious effort to distract me

"Yes," I said wondering where she could possibly be going with this.

"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."

That wouldn´t help my decision making process. "You're greedy tonight."

"Yes, I am—but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," She said adorably irritated.

I chuckled, then I remember the things I really didn´t want to do and sighed. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do," I said frantic for heaven, earth or hell, whichever, to actually prevent me to leave her.

I kissed her tenderly, carefully, as was my custom, her reactions to my touch, marvelous as always. As I realized I was forfeiting this forever, my need for her only increased, my passion fueled by my despair. And I allowed myself to kiss her more deeply that ever before, gripping her hair, locking her to me, and she did the same, I felt her body pressed to mine, yet it wasn´t close enough, her warmth, her ragged breathing, her racing heart, and the combined scent of her blood and her excitement, were in conjunction astonishing, overwhelming, and I wanted more. Suddenly recognizing where it was that my body was taking me I stopped short, gently extricating one from the other, she fell down on her pillow, out of breath.

"Sorry," I said sounding just as winded as she was. "That was out of line."

"_I _don't mind," She gasped.

"Try to sleep, Bella." I frowned, how well I knew that she didn´t worry for her well being. Forever tempting peril and fearing the must inane things. She was not rational regarding our relationship.

"No, I want you to kiss me again." Of course she did, but I wasn´t at all convince of being capable of restrain at the moment.

"You're overestimating my self-control." I informed her.

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" She asked so mischievously, that I beamed.

"It's a tie." I said not entirely truthfully, but I couldn´t quite admit to her it was definitely not her blood that had my head spinning right now, metaphorically speaking of course. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?"

"Fine," Bella consented, curling her body against mine, unobtrusively pressing her wounded arm to my shoulder and soon drifting to a restless sleep.

* * *

**The next chapter is going to be a tough one, and I´m nervous about being in Edward´s head right now, he is going to be in real pain and I hate for him to suffer, but what can I do? It was his choice …**

**After that, even tough he´ll continue to hurt, the story will have some twists – nothing that disrupts the original story.**

**Please review! It really cheers me up and focuses mind to write!**


	4. The End

**All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer of course. I´m just addicted to Edward and had to be with him wherever he went when he left Bella… if only in my imagination.**

**The End**

"…_No! Edward, please…"_ Bella moaned in her sleep. She talked almost all night and everything she said was filled with anguish. _"…the same … Edward ... no.."_ Every word pierced my heart not only because her pain was torturous for me but because it I knew I was responsible for it.

"_mmm… not the same… why, Edward?..." _she said and sobbed, a tear rolled to the tip of her nose. "Shh Bella, it´s going to be alright, love. Nothing is going to scare you again…" I vowed to us both, whispering in her ear, hoping she´d hear me and that it eased all her fears. "_I love you, Edward ..." _She sighed. "I love you too, Bella. More than absolutely anything … please, know that, and forgive me…"

In that moment I knew only my love for her was going to give me the strength I needed to shred myself with a straight face, in order to do what I had to do.

I started planning, trying to distract my tormented mind with practical details. We´d all had to leave, she was stubborn and wasn't likely to let go and move on had she had any reminders. I knew my family would go along with anything I asked of them, not even Rosalie could deny me this, not that she wouldn´t complain but, that meant close to nothing, all that matter was Bella´s chance to have a future. I didn´t allow myself to think of what that actually meant. I remembered only too well how it felt the first time that scenario played itself in my mind. Bella with somebody else… no! I couldn´t let that thought into my head, it would paralyze me completely.

There was also the fact that Bella was certainly not going to let me go just like that, she would read me, like she always did, and know that I was doing it to protect her and stared me out of my decision, I couldn´t deny anything to those eyes. She was going to dismiss everything related to her own safety. Se had made herself very clear that staying with me was the most important thing for her even if it killed her._"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton, I'd rather die than be with anyone but you." … "I'm here… which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you." _Yes, very clear indeed. I remembered her in the meadow, speaking those words to me when everything was new to us, when I though the worst danger I posed for her was due to my thirst. I had been terribly mistaken, I might not be stealing her blood but I was stealing her chance of a normal human life, to say the least. I would not let that be the case any longer, she had to endure, this world was not worth anything without her, and she was entitled to enjoy it without any darkness marring her days.

Aware that she´d never let go of me knowing exactly how much I love her, I decided that I´d had to convince her I did not love her any more. I even chuckle at the absurdity of that. That was not going to be easy, since I had transparently accepted she was all I wanted in this world, I had told her countless time how much I loved her, needed her. Obstinate as she was it was going to take hours to convince her otherwise. How was I going to manage that? Purposefully breaking her faith in me? Oh God! I couldn´t do it. Except, if that was what it took for her to disencumber her mind and heart of me the fastest, I´d do it. And what if she saw through that? Could I just leave, if everything else failed? Just leave her without any resolution?

Bella walked up tired and in pain, however I forced myself to leave without much ceremony kissing her forehead briefly goodbye. I ran to my family, trying to shake her scent off, to forget the soothing sound of her heart, the intuitive look in her eyes, the call of her desirable lips, and the ensnaring warmth of her body, all to no avail. This unsuccessful attempt almost made me reevaluate my decision, but I just had to remember this wasn´t about me, I´d let hell have me, if she could have the beautiful life she deserved. I had upon recognizing my feelings, known I would love her forever, I expected torment from being away from her, I couldn´t let that deterred me from my one worthy purpose in life, ensure Bella´s happiness and safety.

Alice, Emmet, Carlisle and Esme attended my arrival. Concern apparent on their faces, their thoughts just as clear.

"I´m sorry to ask this of you but, I have no choice. We have to leave. I´m sure Tanya won´t mind having us while we make more permanent arrangements elsewhere" I said.

Upstairs, Rosalie hiss. And Emmett thought he wasn´t likely to hear the end of her complains, not that he minded in the least.

"Bella?" Esme asked, her eyes and mind full of concern.

I felt like bellowing and the pain crumpled my face, so I just shook my head no.

"This is a mistake, Edward. Trust me! You don´t need to do this, Jasper and I will leave so you don´t have to if that´s what you need, that´s what _he_ needs anyways. _I´ll see if he can overcome his shame and go to Denali...he was thinking about going south…_"

I whished for that to be the solution, but it wasn´t. "This isn´t because of Jasper, Alice, please don´t make this any harder than it already is for me." I begged her.

"Are you sure of your course, son?" Carlisle inquired. _"Are you prepared to be without her, Edward? Think this through… carefully. As I told you before, I´ll respect your decision, my only concern is how this is going to result for you …and for Bella…"_

"I thought this through; it is the best for her." I barely whispered.

Alice rolled her eyes. "It´s not!" She squealed, and showed me a vision of Bella staring absently out of her window, anguish twisting her exquisite features, silent tears gently sloping down her cheeks.

"Stop it! Why are you doing this to me?" I roared.

"You´re doing it to yourself! And your idiocy will hurt her too! I can´t simply step aside, she´s my best friend you know!" She shouted back and swallow a sob.

"Alice, please calm down… this is Edward´s choice" Carlisle reminded her gently.

"Then he can go … I´ll stay!" She said stubbornly.

"Listen to me Alice, we´ll all go! This is not about us at all, I´m sorry to inconvenience you, but I´m looking out for Bella, can´t you see?" I spat.

"Oh I see alright! I see her hurting! I see _you_ hurting! This is nonsense! You won´t endure, Edward, mark my words… you´ll come back, you won´t stand being away from her. But this will be too much for her."

"I love her enough that I´ll keep away… I´ll gather my strength from the recognition that she´ll be better off… without me … us in her life. She´ll have a life. Focus Alice! See it! See the life she´ll have once I´m no longer disrupting it." I commanded.

"Edward, Bella loves you, it is you she wants, you don´t need to sacrifice your love for her, you should see the way she glows when you hold her… She is happy with you." Esme voiced devotedly.

"I know that she has settled for me, but she deserves better that anything I can give her. I won´t robe her of the chance of a normal life, of her own family, a future with … someone who´ll grow old with her!" I gasped, scarcely able to stand up from pure grief, the reality of that future felt like fire in my chest.

"Edward, look at you! You are writhing in pain, and you haven´t even left, bro!" Emmet said.

"Please, do this for me or her, whatever suits you. Please!" I told them making an effort to appear calm, no one was fooled.

"Of course, Edward." Carlisle granted. "We´ll need a couple of days to arrange some things and then we´ll be ready. _Will you be ready?"_

I nodded my answer.

"Alice please, you have to leave first. I don´t want her interrogating you."

"I have to say goodbye to Bella, Edward." Alice said. _"She´s my best friend and I´m allowing this to happen to her, I have to let her know I´ll love her forever, that she´s my best friend... that it'll be alright…"_

"No. Alice, I rather you didn´t. "

"Edward, that´s absolutely unfair!"

"She needs no more reminders of the depths of our affections." I turned and left to my room, preventing further arguments.

Trying to lock my emotions inside, I changed clothes and headed to school. I wasn´t sure of how or when I´d talk to her, so I went through our routine like an automat.

I knew it´d be better for Bella if I just got it over with, talked to her and left, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I yearned to feel her lips and hear her sigh, to see the loving look her eyes acquired when she look at me, to feel her blush when I stroke her face. But all of that would only make my departure harder for both of us.

Soon she arrived and I braced myself for feigning an indifference I was far from feeling.

Bella was paler than usual, and her eyes were slightly circled in violet. She looked very tired and deeply worried as she gazed at me questioningly. I found I was at a loss for words, I didn´t know how to speak to Bella anymore. I was leaving, I was going to have to convince her that I didn´t care for her the same, what could I say in the meantime? Small talk remained impossible; all I really felt like saying was that I loved her! The recognition of this fact left me with nothing but mere basic and polite interactions.

"How do you feel?" I asked her, fighting the urge to scoop her into my arms and kiss her or at least caress her lovely face. How else would I convince her that I loved her no more?

"Perfect," She said, but shied away from the sound of the door as it closed. Seeing her fight to mask her discomfort, her pain, only reinforce my decision. She was so selfless.

The day was dreadful, I knew Bella sensed something was terribly off, I saw her stealing glances at me, expecting me to say something reassuring about us, but I really couldn´t say anything of the sort, not without resorting to flat lies. She kept wincing unconsciously whenever she made a movement that pulled at her stitches, I´d ask about it and she´d say it was fine, clearly it was not!

I spend most of the morning trying no to be so aware of her – as if that were possible- I refused to look at her, it didn´t help a little that she was as silent as I was, her scent and her heartbeat were so strong it felt as if she was talking non-stop, inviting me in to discover every thought she had ever harbored in her veiled mind. In addition, the apprehension in her eyes, on every occasion I couldn´t help myself and peeked, was excruciating, it was an impossibility to just see her suffer and not do anything. But I persevere on my vital purpose.

I attempted to distract myself with all the trivial things I could muster, nothing worked, and all my senses were inevitably drawn back to her. At lunch she realized Alice was missing.

"Where's Alice?" she asked anxiously.

"She's with Jasper." I answer without looking up from whatever I was destroying with my fingers. It was a poor outlet for all of my frustration and hurt.

"Is he okay?"

"He's gone away for a while."

"What? Where?"

"Nowhere in particular." I wasn´t about to broaden her knowledge on vampires´ habitats or history.

"And Alice, too," She stated.

"Yes. She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali."

If only it was for just a while… I couldn´t bring my eyes to hers, not with that half lie on the air, but I saw her distress, she was about to cry and all I could think to ask was if her arm was bothering her, again.

"Who cares about my stupid arm?" She mumbled angrily, dropping her head on the table. I stropped in the act of reaching for her.

By the end of the school day I was still submerged in this fog like silence that had gripped me, but as we walked to her truck she broke it.

"You'll come over later tonight?" She asked uncertain.

"Later?" I was counting on being with her every minute up until the moment I left. Unfair as it was, it was all I had now.

"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off." She explained.

"Oh," I was taken aback as I realized that was going to be away from her this soon.

"So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" She asked again, anxiously. I hated this! But I had to play along my own twisted plan to make her get over me.

"If you want me to." I told her.

"I always want you," She said vehemently.

"All right, then," I told her, concealing the burst of contradictory feelings that coursed through me. I allowed my lips the relief of her skin, kissed her forehead and left before it was too late lo let go.

I found I didn´t have anything to do, I knew Alice and Esme would pack everything for me, and there was nothing I was interested in doing. Nothing at all. I run like I used to the first time I tried to stay away from Bella. I remembered the doubts that plagued me those days, were there no other options for Bella? Was it death or damnation? I remembered Alice´s confidence in my inability to keep away. She had been right of course. Was she right again? Was this going to be an empty effort? I didn´t think so, Bella was neither dead nor was she a vampire, meaning she had been wrong on those accounts. This time, I´d prove her wrong again… after I left Forks that was, this few hours without her had been a bigger ordeal than I supposed, especially in the face of a definitive separation.

It was a little early, but I needed to be surrounded by her scent so I went back to her house, to wait for her. Charlie was watching sports as usual, so there was no need to speak. He offered pizza and I accepted to eat for the first time in Charlie´s presence. I didn´t do it, evidently. I merely pretended and swiftly discarded the revolting goo in the trash, he never noticed.

I heard her noisy truck as it approached the house. And held fast to my stillness, struggling to keep in mind, yet again, that it was totally illogical to run to her, wrap my arms around her and steal her to her room to kiss her until the end of time. Absurd, contemplating the fact that I was leaving. I had no right to her anymore. However, there I was.

"Dad? Edward?" hearing her say my name, filled me with such sorrow, I couldn´t even answer. I glued my eyes to the TV, not seeing anything, punishing myself for my self-centered craving to linger near her.

"In here," Charlie called.

"Hi," She said in a small voice.

"Hey, Bella, we just had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table." Charlie said.

"Okay." She said, waiting for me to come to her, her hand slightly outstretch for mine.

"I'll be right behind you," I said smiling politely, I hoped it didn´t come out as a grimace, and I returned to the TV. Through the corner of my eye, I saw her disbelievingly stare in my direction for an eternal moment and then flit to the kitchen. I followed her sounds as she sat. Her heart was pounding very hard, and her breathing became shallow for a while –I had scared her- then, slowly returned to normal. She sighed and played with something. Her heart picked up a bit again. A few minutes ticked and then she shortly laughed under her breath. It was as if she forgot for a second to be worried but abruptly remembered.

She went to her room and snapped a picture and unhurriedly walked towards us, heartbeat accelerating as her steps got slower. What was she thinking? This question tormented me more than ever and I wasn´t able to just ask. As she turned the corner her heart went wild, it was not a happy sound. She was panicky. She took another picture and I couldn´t reconciled her actions with her bodily reactions, I looked at her, trying to understand. She looked exactly as her heart sounded, terrified. She was very intuitive, could she see what was happening inside me?

"What are you doing, Bella?" Charlie complained.

"Oh, come on." She forced a smiled sitting in front of her father. "You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt."

"Why are you taking pictures of me, though?" he protested.

"Because you're so handsome," and because, since you bought the camera, you're obligated to be one of my subjects." She teased him.

"Hey, Edward, take one of me and my dad together." She required with casualness. But she didn´t looked for my eyes as she tossed de camera to me. She looked so strained, she seem to have forgotten she was supposed to be on a picture.

"You need to smile, Bella," I reminded her with whatever voice came out of me. She did, weakly and I took the picture.

"Let me take one of you kids," Charlie suggested. I passed him the camera

She moved to stand beside me and I gently put my arm on her shoulders, she clung to me eagerly.

"Smile, Bella," Said Charlie, she breathed deeply and must have smile because he took the picture.

Loosening from her embrace almost caused me physical pain, but I did.

Never since those early days when we first met, had I treated her with such indifference and she was really frightened now, she sat pressing her shaky hands to her stomach and her chin to her knees.

I didn´t allow my eyes to wander towards her, I could not see her so distraught and keep a smooth face, yet I wasn´t making any attempt of leaving. Torn between my need to be around her and the certainty of having to let go –or pretend to do so.- I remained staring blankly at the TV, completely aware of her every breath, heartbeat and drop of temperature as she became more afraid.

When I finally got my bearings I got up, taking my cue from the end of the TV show that was on, whatever that was.

"I´d better get home" I managed to say.

"See ya" Charlie answered.

Bella got up clumsily and followed me.

"Will you stay?" The hopelessness in her voice confirmed I was doing something right, I was pushing her away. I wanted to die!

"Not tonight" I said mercilessly. After all, this pain I was causing now would only help her move on faster.

I got in the car and drove off from any chance of peace I had. She stood there in the rain, shocked, watching me leave. I compared this awful moment to the first time I felt those chocolate eyes on me watching me as I left. The joy I experienced then was the mirrored image of this, completely backwards. In that occasion I left her dazzled and happy, and I had been hopeful and certain of my return as soon as she was asleep. Now, I left her confused and hurt, and I felt despair and I knew that tonight I had to stay away, if I could handle that.

When I got home, everything was ready; my family saw to that, there was no more reason to remain. Alice was already gone, amazing that I should miss her in this deranged state I was in, but even if she infuriated me with her position regarding my decision, she was my closest friend, my true sister. I asked the rest of my family to go ahead of me, I had to talk to Bella, and I was losing my courage. If I knew they were there, just waiting for my word, I was going to let it drag forever.

"I´m concerned about Bella, Edward." Carlisle told me.

"What about her?" I asked anxiously.

"Alice seemed very sure this is going to be much too hard for Bella."

"She´ll get over it" I stated.

"What if she doesn´t?" I could tell he was trying to conceal something for me.

"What do you mean Carlisle, she is human, she´ll eventually forget."

He sighed. "Edward, try to listen please. Have you considered the possibility that Bella might chose … not to get over it, that she can´t get over it?"

Panic seized me. No, I had never though of that. I had always known she didn´t care for her safety, but that was temerity not suicidal inclination. No. She was not like that. We had even briefly broached the subject and she had been horrified at my reminiscence of contemplating going to the Volturi. Maybe out of obstinacy, she had after all declared she rather died than stay away from me, but that was related to my thirst, not to my not being there. She had also told me she´d rather died than be with anybody else, that one was an hyperbole to make a point, wasn´t it? Still I had to cover that.

With this new doubt to torment me, though I told her I was not going back to her that night, I couldn´t stay away. It was very late when I reached her house and she was already sleeping, I sneaked into her room like I used to do when she as unaware of my presence. Only now I really felt like a criminal, I knew Bella wanted me there, and I was denying her that while indulging myself. She was restless again. She called my name as usual, but she was sad, she pleaded for me to stay. If I could cry I would have. This was unbearable, yet I remained. I hummed her lullaby softly and she relaxed.

At daybreak I left to change and went to school.

I was buried in grieve, so aware of the fact of my imminent loss that I was unable to focus on anything but Bella´s heartbeat which pulsed through me in waves of fire, burning my silent heart with the same intensity that the scent of her blood burned my throat. The more detached I tried to be, the more it burned, beckoning me to remain close. Her quietness tortured me, I wanted to hear her voice, but our foggy silence continued. More than ever I wanted to read her mind.

I noticed her restlessness and absolute lack of concentration, I even had to rescue her in English – of all subjects- because she had totally spaced out. What was she thinking? Why wasn´t she saying anything? Clearly – her eyes betrayed her silence- she wanted to talk, but she didn´t. Was she waiting for me to say something? Not likely, Bella always spoke her mind, to me at least. Then I remembered a time when she had been reluctant to verbalize her thoughts. It was when she had discovered what I was and believed it would anger me. Was what she wanted to say so awful that she couldn´t find the courage to tell me. If that was the case, what was it? The only thing that she could say that would upset me was that she didn´t love me or want me near her anymore. I couldn´t hope for such a thing, even if it´d probably killed me, it´d make things easier for her. But that couldn´t be it, she looked rather put out with my behavior. Was she going to ask again me to change her? Perhaps. Maybe she just wanted to talk about what happened with Jasper. Indeed, we had avoided the subject since that night. I knew it shouldn´t matter since I was bowing out of her life, but I couldn´t help but wonder.

During lunch she asked Jessica to take pictures of everybody and in her eyes there was a sadness mixed with a tad of … excitement? I really didn´t know what to think.

When we parted ways –she had to work again- I saw a bit of relief in her eyes and figured I was wearing her off with my brooding silent mood. Good, I thought bitterly, maybe she was starting to realize I was not that interesting to be with at all.

I went hunting nearby, just for something to do. It brought no satisfaction in the way of distraction. My mind refused to stay far from Bella. I had to vanquish this overwhelming craving for her if ever I wanted to leave and stay away.

I got home to find Emmet was still there, waiting for me. I was glad, I felt so lonely, so alienated from the world. I had hoped in my heart that I belonged with Bella, now I knew I didn´t belong anywhere, but seeing Emmett comforted me somehow.

"I´ll stay with you until you can leave." He said.

"Thanks Emmett. You don´t have to, Rosalie is not going to appreciate this." I whispered.

"Of course she is! I know she´s a little self-involved, but she loves you."

"I know Emmett, that´s not what I meant."

"Are you going back to Bella tonight?" That did it, my careful but frail façade fell apart. My face crumpled and I slid down the wall to the floor, shaking my head and mouthing no.

"Oh man! Why are you doing this? This is going to kill you! I had never seen you like this. Why are you so adamant about destroying you happiness, kid? She loves you, isn´t that enough? Change her, keep her safe and …"

"Stop!" I breathed. "Emmett, I know you mean well, but please, stop. This life is not for Bella – her name rolled down my tongue like lava, making me double in anguish.

"I hate to see you so wrecked, Edward"

" I know, I´m sorry… you should go … take the Volvo and go!"

"No way man! I´m staying"

" No, Emmet really, go!"

"No!"

That night I did nothing but stay there curled up like a fetus, grabbing my knees to prevent my body from going looking for Bella of its own volition. It was a long night, but I knew it was far from being the worst. As the sun made its appearance in the eastern sky, I got up and changed clothes. How I managed to remember such trivial things is past me. I went to school.

The night of torture made me realize I had to try and leave right away, or else I´d never be able to pull this off. I knew I couldn´t stay away another night, not with her so near.

Knowing I was leaving that day made the world blurry, I noticed nothing. Only her scent and heartbeat intruded in my secluded mind.

As the school day wore off, I walked her to her truck, determined to tell her once and for all.

"Do you mind if I come over today?"

"Of course not."

"Now?" I asked while opening her door.

"Sure, I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there." I didn´t want the delay, for though my mind was set, my heart was battling.

I realized that this past two days I had been waiting for some miracle – some threat worst than me maybe- that force me to stay. I had been stalling.

"I'll do it, and I'll still beat you there." I attempted a smile to go along with the joke. It must not have been convincing because she was serious when she agreed.

I dropped the letter and got to her house before her as predicted.

I could hear her heartbeats over the roar of the truck. She was nervous. She killed the engine and took a steadying breath, I waited for her to compose herself and get out of her car before getting out of mine. Still stalling.

I felt like I needed air, which I hadn´t in almost a century, so I breathed in and out in a regular rhythm trying to hold on to my sanity. I knew I had to be very good in masquerading my emotions if I wanted to succeed, because if she saw me waver she´d hold on tighter and that would do nothing more than prolong the inevitable.

"Come for a walk with me," Her eyes were immediately fearful, she seemed reluctant, so I took her hand and guided her into the woods, nothing too far. The warmth of her hand was driving me insane with longing.

I leaned on a tree, God knew my body didn´t need the support but I was in an emotional freefall and I had to enough controlling my face. I just looked at her, since her eyes had me trapped.

"Okay, let's talk," she said firmly. Brave Bella.

This was it, this was going to be the digging of my grave. I breathed deeply, inhaling her beautiful scent and trying to lock it inside me.

"Bella, we're leaving." I said. She took a deep breath as well and a look of determination came to her lovely face.

"Why now? Another year—" she started. What was she asking, I didn´t understand her question, what did she mean _"why now?"_

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."

She was bewildered and then realization seeped in to her features, she turned green. I wanted to disappear.

"When you say _we_—," She barely uttered.

"I mean my family and myself." I stated, slow and clear.

She shook her head, trying to dispel her confusion. I waited for my words to sink in, hating myself.

"Okay, I'll come with you." Of course she would.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going…" I knew it was not the place that mattered; it was us who posed the threat. "It's not the right place for you." No, her place was among humans.

"Where you are is the right place for me." I´d love nothing better but …

"I'm no good for you, Bella."

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life." She begged. I loathed that I was making her this desperate, but I went on.

"My world is not for you,"

"What happened with Jasper—that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected." She was right, which only proved _I _was right, she had no place among us.

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—" that´s not what I had promised. I guess I always knew this was totally dysfunctional, I just had been looking the other way.

"As long as that was best for you," I reminded her.

"_No_! This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!"

Her words cut me deeply, she was willing to give away her soul for me, to me. But this _was_ about her soul, about her life, what else could make me sacrifice my entire reason for existing if not her happiness, her well being? I knew what my next words had to be, I had to lie to save her. How was I going to tell her that I didn´t love her? Those were impossible words to phrase together.

I couldn´t look at her. My world was crumbling, yet I had to pretend it was not. I returned my gaze to her, hoping that decades of lying were enough to make my lie half believable.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." Well, I couldn´t say I didn´t love her but, that was sufficiently true. I didn´t want her trapped in this despicable world of mine.

I didn´t look away, that was as good as admitting the lie. She looked at me in utter astonishment for a few moments, trying to make sense of my words.

"You… don't… want me?" she sounded puzzled.

"No." I said still holding her gaze for what felt like forever.

I saw the little changes in her face as she processed this. Confusion, denial, comprehension, hurt and finally ... acceptance?

"Well, that changes things." She said evenly, though her heart was frantic.

She believed me! Oh my God! How? Why? How? I was baffled. How could she be so quick in believing that outrageous lie! Had I not been obvious, all this time? I knew I should be relieved that this was not going turn into an endless torture for both of us, but her surrender had me feeling raw, useless and desperate. I´d thought I had only failed in protecting her. Evidently I had not been very good at loving her either. Foolishly I acted on my need to correct this. I knew this was stupid, and contradicted all of my efforts, and instinctively I looked away.

"Of course, I'll always love you … in a way." I added trying to stay in track and continued uncompromisingly. "But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… _tired _of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." I was furious, that I had been so stupid to pretend that didn´t matter, but more so to be inserting guilt on her, she had never asked me such a thing, she had accepted me completely. Yet I persisted. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't. Don't do this." She implored weakly.

I whished I didn´t have to, I couldn´t allow her to plead, she´d break me.

"You're not good for me, Bella."

She open her mouth to speak but closed it immediately without saying anything, as if unsure what to say.

"If… that's what you want." She finally voiced.

I was in no condition to speak. I wanted nothing but to drop on my knees, and to tell her no, that´s not what I wanted, I wanted her forever, to please forgive this idiotic attempt to keep her away to protect her. But of course I wasn´t going to do that.

I just nodded once.

I felt her body temperature drop dramatically, she was so still it was not natural, this was being harder on her than I had thought and I recalled Carlisle´s frightening worries.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," I said. There was a ghost of hope in her eyes and I was overcome with love for her.

"Anything," She vowed.

She was so fast in conceding me my request before even asking what it was, despite my previous words, it further broke my heart. I loved her so much there weren´t words fit to describe it. It was vital that this stubborn, beautiful, passionate, absolutely lovable and worship-worth girl rose above this painful situation. She really had to overcome whatever grieve I brought her and sooner than later enjoy her life.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid, do you understand what I'm saying?"

She nodded acquiescently. I had her word and I knew she´d never break it. I had to keep my farce.

"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself—for him."

She whispered "I will," while nodding for emphasis. I felt half my burden was gone. She was going to be fine. So I continued to ensure my own weakness didn´t get in her way.

"And I'll make you a promise in return, I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."

She started shaking violently, her heart pounded desperately, threatening to get out of her chest, but she was pale like chalk. She was in shock. I attempted a soothing smile as I tried to reassure her.

"Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

"And your memories?" She choked out.

"Well"—She knew that vampires didn´t forget "I won't forget. But _my _kind… we're very easily distracted." I said cruelly. What a horrible lie, we were set in stone, we tended to be obsessive and single-minded.

I smiled misleadingly, to make my lie more believable. I was a monster. I had to be. I started retreating.

"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

"Alice isn't coming back," She breathed.

"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" She was hurt by this.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." I said as gently as I could.

She was thinking hard and we were silent for a moment.

"Goodbye, Bella," I finally told her. I didn´t feel like my voice, it was like listening to a stranger speaking at some distance.

"Wait!" She cried, took a step ahead and reached for me. It took all of my willpower not to reciprocate, to merely grab her hands and place them firmly by her sides. But I couldn´t resist giving her one last brief kiss on her smooth forehead. I saw her eyes close and her face slightly relax at my gesture.

"Take care of yourself," I whispered and breeze toward her house.

I had to get rid of the evidence of my presence in her life. I stopped shortly after as I distinctly heard her making her way through the forest, calling my name under her breath a couple of times. What was she doing? She knew she´d never catch me. No, she was probably looking for a place to be alone for a while. Nevertheless, I had to make sure Charlie knew where she was. I took a sheet of paper and a pen from the kitchen and mimicking Bella´s handwriting I wrote:

_Going for a walk with Edward, up the path_. _Back soon, B_.

I run to her room and scooped up the pictures of me, the CD with my music, the plane tickets, a piece of paper where I had written "_be safe"_, and some other mementos I knew she kept in her night table, and after a second of thought I placed them beneath the floorboards of her room, leaving a part of me with her. Childish and completely meaningless, but I had not the time or the will to dwell on such a thing right now.

My eyes roved her room for one last time and it felt like my insides were being turned apart when I pictured the emptiness that lay beyond this welcoming walls. My eyes prickled and my breath caught painfully, even if I didn´t need it.

I went to my car and headed to my house in a cloud of panic and pain. Emmett was there, a very uncharacteristic worried expression on his face; he was sitting on the front steps with a tiny suitcase propped lightly on his side. His eyes widened as he took in my expression, and started saying something, I was so desperate I hadn´t even heard him thinking. I interrupted him throwing him the keys to the Volvo and telling him to drive. I would run all the way to Denali.

I didn´t give him time to object, I was running as if every step could rid me from the agony I was feeling, but her pained face kept appearing in front of me, and nothing, not the wind nor the once isolating rain could prevent me from hearing her desperate whisper calling my name.

**This was, up till now, the most difficult chapter I´ve written. I hope you enjoy it. For me it was almost as painful as vampire venom, I hope the outcome after the ordeal, is just as fascinating.**


	5. Aimless

**Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight related characters –sigh- I´m just playing a little here with borrowed toys.**

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**Aimless.**

My head was chaos. For as long as I remembered I had had the ability to think of many things simultaneously. Now, since I tried not to dwell on Bella, and my mind refused to think of anything else, my brain was stuck, skating on images and conjectures that made no sense. I was desperate for the most minuscule respite, but this immeasurable ache was unyielding. It was like trying to resist physical pain without removing your hand from a flame.

I ran.

I attempted to direct my thoughts at the continually changing environment. Uninteresting and absolutely useless, not only because I didn´t need to concentrate to see every leaf or tiny insect, but because nothing short of God himself, if anything, could distract me from the insurmountable barrenness of her absence.

I ran faster.

It was not morning yet as I reached Denali. Almost everyone was at Tanya´s, except for Emmett, seeing that he hadn't arrived yet, Carmen and Eleazar, who were hunting. They all knew I was there, "thanks Alice!" I guess I shouldn´t censure her, Esme must have been beside herself with worry. I wasn´t ready to see anyone, so I went to the room I usually stayed in, avoiding the living room where they were assembled.

"_Edward, sweetheart, you´re here!"_Esme´s loving thoughts got to me first.

"_Take your time son…" _Carlisle was endlessly patient.

"_Finally!" _Rosalie´s concern betrayed her exasperation.

"_Go back, please, Edward…"_Alice insisted.

"_I´m so sorry, Edward …all this pain …my fault." _Was Jasper guilty plead.

"_I hope Tanya doesn't start again." _Kate´s hope was weak.

"_Has he seen reason? Is he ready for me now? … um …" _Thought Tanya, and realizing I must have caught that she started reciting Dostoevsky´s "Crime and Punishment" from line one._ "__On an exceptionally hot evening early in July a young man came out of the garret in which he lodged in S. Place and walked slowly, as though in hesitation, towards K. bridge…__" _

"_I understand he´s so sad … I miss Laurent …"_ Irina´s mind drifted to memories that I really didn´t care to see.

I went out, not wanting more inner chatter from anyone. For even if they respected my need to be alone there was nothing anyone could do about thinking.

I hid deep in the woods, far enough I didn´t hear anyone´s mind, and laid on the wet humus-packed ground for who knows how long, pondering my options. I had no goals, other than staying away from Bella, and no interests that were not related to her. I was back to having too much time, with the distinct difference that now I knew precisely what I was missing. Everything but Bella was meaningless. And since my place was here, away from the rhyme and reason of my existence, my being was meaningless.

I was already fantasizing about going back to Bella, seeing Alice´s visions of her, superbly pale, crimson eyed and immortal. I had to avoid this line of thinking, it was monstrous of me to yearn for that. The struggle had me bended in pain again. Unconsciously I had curled in a fetal position and was screwing my mouth to trap the bawl that was building inside me.

I decided I needed something –anything- to occupy my time or else I´d end up beneath Bella´s window before I knew what I was doing. I just didn´t know what to do, everything that had once appealed to me was now without exception impregnated of Bella. Piano, playing for Bella, composing for Bella, Bella´s joyful tears as she heard her lullaby for the first time... Running, Bella giggling, Bella getting dizzy, Bella´s body pressed to my back and Bella´s warm breath on my neck... Cars, Bella´s scent in that confined space, taking Bella to school, her home, my home, anywhere, Bella´s eyes on me, Bella freaking out from my preferred speed… Reading, Bella´s opinions on a book, Bella´s interest on a new book, Bella reading the same book a thousand times over… Bella, Bella, Bella… I had to stop this too, as I realized my wails were scaring away any and all life forms in about a mile around me. With any luck that included my family.

When the sun was high in the sky, I returned to the house. I wrestled to push away the pain that comprehended my entire being, and went to face them.

Emmet, Carmen and Eleazar were there by that time. The entirety of my family, close and extended, watched me like I was a time bomb ready to explode, their minds in perfect synchrony with their wary eyes. I tried to behave normally, make conversation, to be interested in their replies, but was distracted by their concern. And of course, Bella´s face engraved on my pupils.

I saw through their minds my appearance and I couldn´t blame them, I looked terrible. My hair was messier than usual, and some leaves still clung to it, my clothes were wrinkled, dirty and wet, my body language screamed defeat, and my eyes flashed from dull to crazed, but the rest of my face remained expressionless, stone-like dead. I realized this was far from what they were used to expect from me, but I couldn´t bring myself to care.

Tanya, Irina, Kate, Eleazar and Carmen, were baffled by my obvious emotional decay but were instantly sympathetic. For Kate, Tanya and Irina, it was a little easier to understand since they had loved many a mortal man in their long existences, even if they had never had been so dependant on them, given that they were mindful of the transitional nature of these humans through their lives. For Tanya in particular, it was a mixture between an inconvenience and an opportunity, not that she didn´t feel compassion for my situation, but she considered that since I had finally open up my heart I was more likely to let someone else in, and was impatient for my recovery to try to persuade me again.

I heard Esme grieving for me, as if I was mortally ill and was about to succumb to death –that was how I felt. - She loved Bella, and had been so ecstatic seeing me with her, that she was on the verge of attempting to convince me to go back, she was never going to admit it aloud, but she very much preferred Bella being turned into a vampire than see me suffer like this. Carlisle, was trying to conceal his preoccupation, he was concerned about my immediate future decisions, he saw the toll the separation was taking on me already and knew it was only to get worst. He worried for Bella´s suffering too. But he understood my decision and viewed it as evidence of my devotion and admired me more for it. That was awkward for me, he didn´t know how weak I felt, how worthless of his high regard I actually was.

Emmett, was transparent and bold in his appreciation of my state, he knew I was losing it and besides his distress and pity for me, there was also the fact that he didn´t relate to my decision, he was completely grateful that Rosalie had decided to keep him and asked Carlisle to turn him, and despite the fact that he had slipped some times in the beginning and killed people, he was very adapted to our vegetarian lifestyle and didn´t dwell on guilt for his long-ago mistakes. He figured Bella would feel the same. Rosalie thought this was a momentary stage of my life, she never believed my love for Bella was too deep, I didn´t want to change her after all, selfish as she was, Rose didn´t get sacrificing anything for love, she only knew she had to have Emmett at all costs and interpreted my reluctance to change Bella and my deserting her as proof that she was not so important for me. She only worried about how long this was going to be, she liked Forks and gathered we could sooner or later return.

Jasper was suffering as much as I was, not merely feeling my anguish but his own guilt and shame, he was convinced that he had hurt not just Bella and me, but Alice as well, and that she´d miss Bella very much, and that added to his grief. Alice worried for Bella almost more than she did for me, she kept seeing image after image of Bella, of me, hurting, crying, curling in pain, staring emptily through a window, running… running away. But under those thoughts there was conviction: _Bella and I would be together again_.

I was aware that Bella would hurt, but she´d heal in time, she´d move on. I was sure of my decision, of the rightness of it, and Alice wasn't helping matters, agony-wise, for me. Eventually, I couldn't stand it, it was overmuch.

"Cease this, Alice! It´s not possible that´s all you see. Show me she´s well, that she´s move on!!!"

"I can´t do that Edward! I don´t see it" She said and added silently_, "Neither of you … none of us is going to be happy while you and Bella are apart!" _And she threw me a vision of Bella, happy, splendid, brilliantly red eyed, glowing with love … looking adoringly at me.

"You´re doing this out of selfishness! Don´t you care for her soul?" I bellowed unjustly.

"Ah… But _I_ don´t think we´re soulless creatures, Edward!" she said angrily "I love her … I love you… I just want to see you happy, both of you…" She added kindly.

"Those are incompatible futures…" I murmured.

"Ok, Edward. I let you to enjoy your misery … but remember… it´s useless. You. Won´t. Be. Able. To. Stay. Away. From. Her." Alice said emphasizing each word.

I couldn´t help it and jumped at her, catching air of course, but that didn´t prevent Jasper from interposing himself between us, a feral growl resounding in the room.

"Enough Edward! Despite how you´re feeling right now, and trust me, I know _exactly_ how, I will not permit you to treat Alice this way! She´s just trying to help you. Calm down." Japer ordered.

"_Please don´t fight!"_ Esme thought, rushing to us.

Inevitably, my anger ebbed but my pain resurfaced full force, throwing me on my knees. Alice was instantly in front of me, hugging me and stroking my hair.

"Shhh, Edward, it´s going to be ok … shhh" she said soothingly.

"Oh Edward! Darling don´t do this to yourself… please!" Esme tearlessly sobbed. I shifted and hugged her too.

"I love her … so much … for her… I have to… mom … but I c… I can´t…" I was incoherent, gasping for air as if I needed oxygen because my chest felt like imploding from cheer emptiness.

After that day, I pretty much avoided everybody.

We stayed in Denali for five weeks, while Carlisle organized everything for us to move to New York. He had an offer in Cornell University for a teaching post. It wasn´t the same as working in the Hospital but it was a nice experience for him, he enjoyed teaching. There were a couple of properties Esme had long desired to restore near Ithaca, so she´d be busy. Alice was planning on investigating all she could about her human life, her family, if there was someone still living, to try to understand why they had put her in that ghastly place, Jasper was undecided, he only knew he was going to be wherever Alice was. Emmet and Rosalie were contemplating another honeymoon, all the "drama" was making her impatient. It´d work out, for them at least.

I occupied my time hunting. I decided on Grizzlies, they were brawny and I needed their defiance –feeble as it was- to distract myself. Their strong paws stroke my face, chest, shoulders and back, I guessed they were trying, I quite wished it hurt, maybe physical pain could take away this grief, if only temporarily, but their claws and teeth were no match for my skin, eventually it got boring. Three, four minutes of disruption from my pained state was all I could ask for. I tried to prolong the actual killing for as long as it was possible, but my thirst won the battle. There was no relief, it was an ephemeral satisfaction.

However, I hunted and hunted and hunted.

Evidently, I had desisted on the ridiculous intent of not thinking of Bella. It was unattainable and I acknowledged that soon enough. By no means, not for an instant was my mind fooled into letting go of Bella´s image, her face was constantly before my eyes, whether opened or closed.

Her chocolate eyes stared at me with various expressions depending on the path my mind was taking. Her smile was offered in my moments of deepest despair or in approval, it gave me courage to resist. She frowned when I thought of wanting to just die and get over it.

Was that even a possibility? What was it that actually happened when we turned to ashes? The thought of any kind of consciousness when in that state was terrifying. All I wanted was oblivion, then again I didn't want to forget Bella, she gave meaning to my being born, those six months with her were excuse enough to have existed and I´d take this pain again and again and again for it meant I got to meet her, to benefit from her presence, her kindness and her love. But I was thinking of me, for her, I was convinced my stumbling in her life had been nothing but a tragedy, a cosmic mistake, a gigantic injustice. _Bella was silently scolding me._

I knew that as long as Bella was alive, I was going to endure. _Bella´s face relaxed. _I could not conduct myself otherwise, for the sake of my family. But I had long decided that once she parted this earth – I trembled violently at this horrifying thought- I was going to Volterra._ Bella was furious._ I had no intention of sharing this decision with anyone. Alice would have to swallow it, and keep it undisclosed. Though she was so certain of my failure in staying out of Bella´s life, and of the fact that she was going to be one of us one day, that she´d probably dismiss it. _Bella, arched her eyebrow challengingly._

I was angry all the time, I resented joy in any form, so alien it was now to my heart. I felt that by having been so intensely blissful with Bella I had finished my happiness reserves; I was never going to experience that feeling again. _Bella, rolled her eyes._

I had made up my mind on not going to New York with my family, I really couldn´t take their constant concern, their worried glances, and sorrowful thoughts towards me. I knew I was making them unhappy with my gloomy, cynical mood, I´d give them the opportunity to live their lives without me infecting their right for enjoyment with my embittered disposition. Esme wasn´t likely to accept that, but I wasn't going to pretend to ask for their acquiescence. _Bella was pleading._

A week before we were due to leave, something happened that gave me the perfect excuse for my taking a different path than the rest of them. Alice had a vision. A vision of Victoria looking for me, set on retaliation. _Bella looked terrified._

My first reaction was to panic. Victoria was going to go to Forks if she was looking for me and Bella was there. That should have terrified me, but it brought immediate peace to my mind, there it was, my miracle, my perfect excuse to go back to Bella. _Bella looked at me expectantly._ I had to protect her. _Bella grinned widely._ It was a very brief consolation; too soon I realized that if Victoria was searching for me, she must have known I was not there. I demanded Alice to corroborate this, I had to make sure that Bella was going to be left out of this dangerous situation. She was. There was no valid reason for going back to Forks. _Bella pouted._

Alice and I were slightly uncertain about why would be Victoria tracking me. Obviously it was related to James but I hadn´t read any strong connection between them. Laurent had deserted them at the first sight of conflict. I had assumed it was just as feeble a tie for Victoria too. After all, half a year had passed since James annihilation. So what brought this now? If she was seeking revenge for James, wouldn't it have been more reasonable for such a feeling to have sprung to life as soon as she found out he was dead? She´d realized it was us, Alice would have seen it then. So, why now?

Despite the puzzle, I knew I was going to help her, I´d find her first. _Bella looked very disapproving._ I wasn't about to let her threaten my family while trying to hunt me down. On top of it she had helped James in his attempt to kill Bella. In deciding to hunt me, she had sentenced herself to death. This was exactly what I needed – certainly not what I wanted, except if I counted my murderous desire to painfully eliminate anyone and everyone that had ever hurt Bella, myself included- it´d never keep Bella off my mind, but it was going to keep _me_ away from Bella._ Bella looked hurt._

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**It is hard to imagine Edward´s days and nights through this period, after all he admitted to not doing anything interesting while away from Bella, and I´m adamant about not writing anything that wouldn´t fit perfectly in the Twilight world –not for this story anyways- But I just think anything Edward might do is engaging, so I´ll follow him… **

**From now on: ACTION! He´s tracking Victoria after all –in between recesses of serious grieving for Bella, that is- let´s see what our favorite Vampire does, for though he thinks of himself as a terrible tracker I'm sure it was not deficiency on his part that kept him from finding and finishing Victoria earlier.**


	6. Futility

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

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**The Other Side of the Moon**

**Futility**

**Laurent**

"_You are so beautiful… who are you?" said the very pretty human I had cornered._

"_I´m your destiny…" It was fun to toy a little with women. This called for something more._

"_You are?" Her eyes were unfocused._

"_Yes…" I said and barely kissed her. I ripped her clothes and begun to take her._

"_No, please, that hurts… please… what are you doing? I´ll give you anything, just not like this… Softer…" The silly woman begged, but the call of her blood became stronger than my other needs._

_I chuckled. "Yes, you will give me what I want, it´ll hurt though… sorry… mmm… not really." I crushed her a little harder as I sunk my teeth on her neck and heard her grunt as a rib cracked._

_Her blood… yes… so sweet, so rich… how had I thought I could ever do without human blood… delicious._

That lifestyle had its appeal, there´s no denying it, just being with Irina was _almost_ worth the sacrifice, then there was the comfort of a home – yes, home, not house, like having a family- but not drinking human blood was … exceedingly difficult. I had to get away for a while, I´d tried to ease my pace into _vegetarianism _–ridiculous word for such habits as ours, even for the Cullen´s- unsuccessfully.

I decided on looking for Victoria since my previous coven – what was left of it- was on the islands, I had no intention on going nocturnal again if I could help it. Victoria was the other normal vampire I knew here. I was not going back to vegetarian either.

My best guess was that Victoria was in Duluth, she loved it there for no good reason. It was the only place she stayed for months on end, especially during autumn.

I understand the thrill of the hunt, the fear of the pray, the succulent taste of the blood… ahh yes… But I had never enjoyed going against my own kind, what´s the point? There´s no reward, no mouthwatering blood. James, on the other hand, had made a sport of provoking vampires, stealing their victims or on the few occasions he found a vampire who had found a human they intended to change, well, he´d take that viciously, and Victoria had been a great asset in his games, she was very skill at escaping, and was absolutely merciless and manipulative. Finally he had found his match, I wondered why she hadn´t retaliated yet, so not like her. Maybe that had been all James, always so eager for violence, or maybe the sheer number of adversaries had dissuaded her. These Cullens intrigued me and the Denali coven too for that matter. They operated like a family, but also like an army, protecting each other rather than just our secret. And the abilities they had… hmm… intriguing indeed.

As expected, I found Victoria at her usual spot near Lester River, it was beautiful, I had to admit, also a perfect hunting site –humans had their picnics and so we did.

She was a wreck, beyond her normal nomad disheveled appearance. Yes, she would be missing James. I would not call her my friend, but there certainly was a connection between us – we spent a few decades together after all- and I felt sympathy for her. I had never found a mate of my own, but knew that it was quite the cataclysm when you lost yours, seen it too many times. Poor Victoria, she was not going to last long.

"What are you doing here, you disgusting coward?"

"Victoria, I never signed in for suicide… The Cullens are a strong coven and not just in numbers may I add, they also have others advantages to their favor." I said. I needed to appease her and I knew her curious nature.

"What do you mean?" she said curiosity marring her anger now.

"I mean that they have gifted vampires among them too. Jasper, the battled scared one, can feel emotions from those around him and, very conveniently, manipulate them. Edward, the one with the human pet, reads minds." I said arching an eyebrow. "And the petite Alice, she sees the future, imagine that. She is very interesting; she sees only the outcomes of decisions, if somebody changes their mind, well, the future changes." Victoria´s look was calculating. "You can´t go against them, surely you know it and that´s why you haven´t. I won´t help you this time either. There´s seven of them and the Denali coven would help them and they are five. They considered themselves _family._ Fascinating, isn´t it?" I said lazily.

"Tell me more…"

I knew it was futile – she didn´t stand a chance- but I did anyways. Maybe the more Victoria knew the farther away she´d keep from them. I didn´t feel like betraying Irina´s trust, she had, after all, volunteer the information freely, but I knew how important the Cullens were for her and I cared for her enough that I wanted to keep in her good graces. Not enough to become vegetarian, not that much.

"I´ll have my revenge, Laurent, Edward Cullen will beg for death long before I grant him that wish."

"Victoria, have you listened to what I said? In all probability, Alice Cullen has already seen that decision of yours, the result at least… "

"It´s O.K. That won´t spoil my fun …" She looked deranged, but her voice was very sweet."I need more information, but we have time …" she mused. "Time… that´s all I have left."

***

**Edward**

I knew from Alice´s vision where Victoria had been, I had been there briefly decades ago and recognize the scenery. Probably overcast this time of year, good, no need to hide from humans.

I really had no patience for planes and airports right now, but it was the fastest way to travel through certain distances, others –mercifully- were easier to gain by running. Alaska - Minnesota? Plane, definitely.

The flight was desperately long for my taste, I could hardly compose my face into something remotely human, I knew from the minds of other passengers I looked dead, still, eyes open but unseeing, pale. I wished they were right or at least that I could sleep or black out or pull my head off or whatever kept me from screaming in despair, I felt as if my mind was disarticulated and jumped from thought to thought without my having any control over them and Bella was at the core of all of them, dismantling my sanity by the second. The burn of venom while changing was kinder than this very aware nonexistence.

…

"_Edward don´t rush into this, you´re not thinking clearly. At least let us help you. You know you could use my help." Alice tried again, winking at me._

"_Yeah man! I´m all for the hunt. This promises to be fun!" Emmett quipped._

"_No! It´s my responsibility, I brought this on us, I´ll deal with it." I stated. _

"_Yeah, because I´m going to believe you´re not doing it to keep from going back to Bella. I should have told you Victoria was going to Forks!" _

"_As if you could lie to me that easily …" I retorted._

_Completely unfazed, Alice added. "Besides you know perfectly well that Victoria is not really a threat. I mean, what chance does she stand against you or any of us?" _

At times I wished I had let them come. But it was not their responsibility and also, they had lives.

Even if Victoria was not a _real_ threat –yet- I had to get to her, not merely as a mean to distract myself –which was, by this time, obviously unfeasible- it was my duty to dispose of her.

I ran, feeling the wind trespass my gaping chest as if it was not imperturbable stone, leaving it emptier, completely devoid of anything but anguish. I reached Lake Superior at midnight. Near the city the sky had a reddish taint to it, clouded, cold. Bella would not like it. But the forest was beautifully adorned with the colors of fall, nothing _too green_. My breath caught, as expected everything was about Bella. Saying I missed her was as inaccurate as saying midday sun in the Sahara desert was warm. I could not shake the feeling that I was being painfully compressed into nothingness.

Evidently Victoria had been there, her scent was particularly strong near Lester River, as if she spent lots of time leaning on the bridge, and … Laurent´s? – I vaguely wondered if Irina was aware of this, I didn´t think so- I circled the area, attentive for thoughts. Nothing. I found traces of human blood, and soon discovered a burial, the faint scent of decay, revolting.

Deep in the woods I settled to contemplate my next possible steps.

Clouds covered the rising sun and I went to the port, searched the minds of everyone around, in hope that someone had seen her. I sat at a small café not even bothering with props and scanned the minds of those around me.

There was something subdued in their behavior, something was wrong. Soon it became evident that there had been a couple of disappearances, just two days before: A local man and two young tourists. I knew their fates, I had smell their decaying bodies only a few hours ago. No body really wanted to talk about the subject as if it´d bring the danger closer, make it more real, but everyone was scared. I gathered that, since nobody really knew what had happened, there was really no point to discussing it. Yet not a soul seemed to have seen Victoria.

This was past ridiculous, what did I expect? That she´d be there, just waiting for me, she was a nomad, and in all likelihood she had moved to a new place. Frustrated beyond words, I realized I needed Alice for this, but I was not about to drag her into this boring, pointless mess. Besides, I needed her visions, but the only company I really craved was Bella´s.

I stayed most of the morning there anyways, just listening to the growing crowd and thinking of Bella, inevitably. Suddenly a strange conversation captured my attention.

"I´m telling you, she was some sort of nymph. Beautiful like no human girl I ever saw and you know I have a very picky taste, she was too beautiful for this world." Said a man.

"Yeah right!" snorted a younger man. "A nymph… you were drunk Bruce."

"I was not drunk. I was collecting wood because Mel wanted a small bonfire and marsh mellows, it was not even sunset."

"Yeah, because the sun keeps you from getting drunk?"

"You´re being an asshole, but it´s ok. I won´t take you to where I saw her."

"Redhead you say? Since when has a non-blond woman been attractive to you?"

"You didn´t see her… she was perfect, there was something odd with her eyes, they looked red, but I guess it was an effect of the setting sun."

As the man spoke, he saw her in his mind eye. It was Victoria. He didn´t know how lucky he got that she had not wanted him. Had to find a way to warn them, there was a chance Victoria was there still …

My phone rang. I didn´t want to talk to anyone. I didn´t answer. It rang again and again and again. I was attracting attention. Shit!

"What do you want, Alice?" I barked at her.

"Hello, Edward. What happened to your always perfect manners?" She asked not even a little upset.

"Hello and what do you want?" I said, barely a bit gentler this time.

"She´s not there." She said smugly.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean, Victoria is not there. She´s gone to – hear this because it´s really poetic- New Orleans."

I was in no mood for vampire humor. "Good bye, Alice. Thank you."

"Edward …" Alice hesitated, and I knew what was coming. "She´s not coping well, what if sh-"

"Bella promised, Alice. She would never go back on her word." I interrupted her.

I knew I had to get going but I just couldn´t move. My will had deserted me, my arms hurt from the need to hold Bella, to protect her even from my absence, their emptiness was physically painful, it crippled my hands, it felt as if they were being pulverized. Bella, Bella, Bella. Please be ok, my love, please be stronger than me.

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**I´m sorry this took so long – being such a short chapter and all- but my trying to go through real life and to write "Solar Flare" – You should check it by the way ;D – distracted me…**

**I wish to take this opportunity to recommend two fairly recent stories I´m reading and consider very beautiful:**

"**The Newborn" and "My Yes, My No"**

**You can find them among my favorite stories – of course- in my profile.**

**Please Review! How else do I know if you want to read more??? ;)**


	7. A Tale

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight; Edward, my heart.**

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**The Other Side of the Moon**

**A Tale**

**Edward **

The sun finally chased me out. I had no choice but to leave or be trapped in that little café for hours; and put up a show I was in no condition to perform. I hunted.

I didn´t know how Victoria was getting to New Orleans but I wanted to get there soon. Why on earth would she go there? Not knowing a thing of her life didn´t facilitate my quest. Her motives were obscured so I could not predict the duration of her visits to any place, my grasping smoke in Duluth made that much apparent.

By midnight I was in New Orleans. I could remain the rest of my existence without stepping into an airport ever again. This time, I had no idea where she could be. I checked into a hotel.

New Orleans was, despite its recent tragedy, very beautiful, very warm and humid, and so alive, magical almost. Bella would have loved it. I set to walk around the city, searching for any clue of Victoria´s whereabouts, listening to the minds of everybody who cross my path, sifting through the myriads of scents that surrounded me. Nothing, no Victoria, no vampires at all, maybe it was only in books that vampires found this place ideal.

The sun found me searching the swamps; their scent was very strong and totally indescribable, and it only got more pronounced as the heat of the day intensified slightly. It was not unpleasant. I was drenched, had I had any sense of humor left, I would have chuckled just imagining Alice´s disapproving face at my effectively ruined clothes, as it was though, my capacity to find amusement in ridiculously tiny things was left in Forks, with Bella, allowing me nothing but the minor discomfort of feeling the green scummy water against my skin.

For hours, I explored. The dim scent of humans became fainter as I interned myself in this humid, savage Eden. Nothing. I took a different way to get back. The fleeting thought of returning to the hotel in my current state almost brought the ghost of a smile to my mind. It was more the realization that this should be funny, than finding any actual comedy in the situation. Strange.

Soon I was having a hard time moving, this was formidably useless, purposeless. What was I doing? I should be in Forks, with Bella. No! But what if Alice was right? –When had she ever been wrong?- What if Bella really needed me? What if she never got over me? Vain! How presumptuous of me to even consider that, this was just my despair talking, seeking for excuses to return to her. Selfish, selfish… Only one glance, go see she is doing fine, get the strength to leave from her wellbeing. No! NO! Excuses. I´d never make myself leave again had I been within the range of her scent, I´d never get my eyes to detach from her face, or keep my arms from holding her.

Suddenly, I picked up the scent of a vampire and it was not Victoria, it was no one I knew.

My instinct demanded caution, but my self-loathing side pushed me forward towards the scent. Within seconds I was standing mere yards from a Vampire who was crouched in a defensive stance.

He was tall and lean, he´s big slanting eyes were almost black, but undeniably red, the nose was a little broad and his lips were full, the hair was short and curly. His pale skin had a hint of olive tint.

"My name is Edward Cullen, and I mean no quarrel with you. I will not hunt in you turf, I´m just looking for somebody." I said unemotionally. His was assessing my appearance, not my clothes but my eyes.

"Who are you looking for?" He asked with a French accent. This struck me as an odd question, it almost sounded like there were many "somebodies" I could be looking for, I had been convinced there weren´t many vampires around.

"Have you seen any other vampires around?" His mind was incredulous, he didn´t understand I could be asking that, it was very obvious for him there were others somewhere near. He suspected me for my seeming ignorance.

"Haven´t you?" He asked narrowing his eyes a little further.

"No. I came here after a female named Victoria. You are the first vampire I´ve encountered. I only landed yesterday. Are there many of us here?"

"Victoria? Why are you looking for her?" He didn´t answer my question, his thought were plagued of her image. She seemed unbalanced, that´s never a good thing for someone intent on destroying you.

"Where is she?" I tried to make my voce gentle, persuasive. "Please."

"I haven´t seen her in more than sixty years."

***

"I was born in 1828, in Martinique, the son of a rich plantation master and his slave. I was never a happy child. I knew my white brothers and sisters and felt I deserved the same things they had. My Mother hated my father´s wife –imagine that-." He said sarcastically but with no hint of bitterness. "That didn´t help my happiness, she fed my resentment constantly.

"I was in love with a beautiful girl and intended on marrying her, I had a small business – though not in the way I wanted, my father had seen to my future - and I made a good living. Those were very uncertain times, slavery abolition was all around us, but didn´t yet touch us. I was free, but my mother wasn´t. I could not understand my father would keep my mother a slave while promising his love to her.

"One night I was on my way to my father´s plantation when a strange man approached me. He terrified me from the second my eyes set on his, they were red." He chuckled without humor. "I was convinced he was a demon or someone possessed by an evil spirit. I was aware of voodooism, though I had never seen anyone practice it, my mother had told me horrifying stories, and she was very much convinced they were true – she might have been right for all I´ve seen in my days- and in that moment even if I was nineteen years old, I knew my life was over.

"Of course, it was. So were the lives of my entire family."

"You went after your family?" I asked, stunned.

"I went looking for their help, I was not sure what was happening to me. The senses, the thirst. My maker, explained what I was, told me I could not go back to them, but I didn´t know better, I thought that I would never hurt them, I loved them didn´t I?" he sounded completely detached.

"I´m so sorry, Adrien." I said truthfully.

"Eh bien! It´s our nature, I only wish I had listened to Laurent, and never get near them again."

Up till that moment, he had been thinking of nothing but the words he had pronounced, but now his mind drifted to Laurent, his maker.

"Laurent is your maker?" I asked finally understanding the connection between him and Victoria.

"Yes. We came to America in 1851. I did not like his coven. They endlessly mock my pain; they could not see that killing my mother, father, siblings, fiancée and her entire family was anything to be upset about.

"We roamed the whole country, hunting humans was fairly easier here than on an island. I was more at ease here, than anywhere else, it reminded me of home, I supposed. But Laurent grew wary, there was a coven already settled here and he felt threatened. Nothing attached us, really, even today I have no idea why he turned me. He was not lonely, he was not in love with me, his coven didn´t need me, they were four of them and that was already excessive. Like I said, I don´t know his motives.

"Finally, in 1879, Laurent left me. I fell into a very comfortable pattern and have been living the same way ever since. Many vampires have been to these lands, lots of them remained for some time, others just drifted by. My life stayed the same. I have plenty of unsuspecting food around – you wouldn´t believe the number of people who come by my path- the only constant coven that has been here is the same there was when I first set foot in New Orleans. Julien´s coven, they are three, Anne, Veronique and Julien, of course. They are really zealous of their hunting grounds.

"To continue with the story, in 1943, Laurent returned. He belonged to another coven now. James and Victoria were his companions and he seemed to feel fine with them. They only passed through, but remained enough time for me to understand they were not too different from Amélie, Pierre and Jonathan, our coven from Martinique, that is.

"Now you come here, with those odd eyes, asking for Victoria. Why?"

"How do you know it´s the same Victoria?"

"Red hair, cupid lips, fiery eyes?" He chuckled.

"Yes…?" I said cautiously, suspiciously

"I had a hunch." He shrugged. He waited for me to answer his original question.

"I´m hunting her." I confessed.

"Good luck with that! James is, as far as I know, a very skilled tracker and he´s a little fond of Victoria, or rather of her own abilities. Laurent I don´t think would be a problem, he hardly ever let´s himself into troubles."

"James is dead. My family and I killed him." I said. I felt my face contort in rage and grief as I thought of the reason of his demise.

"Interesting. And why, may I ask, did you kill him?"

"He attempted to kill the one I love." I choked.

"Humph… love, family… those are rare words for vampires, don´t you think? Are you going to explain your eyes?"

"If you insist." I sighed.

"I do."

"I don't hunt humans, I feed only on animals" I said.

He gazed at me, obviously thinking I was joking, but eventually he realized I was serious, and came to the conclusion he had been mistaken.

"I´m sorry, I was under the misconception you were a vampire. You do look, smell, speak and move like one… What are you?" He asked openly curious and candid.

"You were not mistaken, I am a vampire, it´s just that we follow a different diet, by choice, not nature."

"Are you saying you are not the only one who does that?" he asked utterly dumfounded.

"No, I´m not"

"How? Why?"

"With years of discipline and self-control. As to why, well, we deeply respect human life."

"So this diet results in that eye color. Does it have any other side effects?"

"Yes, but they are more… emotional that physical."

"Ah! Hence the family reference."

"Yes…"

"I don´t see a reason for Victoria to come here, but if she came, should I say you stopped by?

"Yes, tell her I haven´t forgotten about her."

***

Back at the hotel, I took a bath and thought of Bella –what else is there for me to do? - I could call, just to hear her voice… Do one selfless thing by her, Edward! ONE! Stay away from her… The place where my heart had been quiet for so long felt like a black hole, ingesting all the light, joy, life, air, beauty and warmth from where I was. It left nothing but enough conscience for me to feel my agony.

God! How am I supposed to do this? Thinking only of her happiness, obviously. Yes… her happiness.

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**I wish – again- to take this opportunity to recommend some stories that I´m reading and consider very beautiful:**

"**Light of Day", "The Newborn" and "My Yes, My No"**

**You can find them among my favorite stories – of course- in my profile.**

**Please ****Review!**

**I´ll go as far as promising that if you review you will dream of Edward coming through your window to watch you sleep ;D …**


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